[03]
BREAST FEEDING OF THE
CHILD AND ITS ADVANTAGES
The modern attitude of
working mothers towards their children tend to erode the time honoured
filial piety which children are expected to maintain. The replacement of
breast feeding by bottle feeding is yet another cause. When mothers breast
feed and cuddle babies in their arms, the tender affection between mother
and child becomes much greater. A breast feeding mother, through her
maternal instinct, often experiences a tremendous satisfaction from
knowing she is providing her baby, as nature had intended, with something
of her very own which no one else can give. The influence a mother has on
the child thus grows and becomes much more pronounced. Under such
circumstances, filial piety, family cohesion and obedience are invariably
enhanced.
A variety of arguments
have been advanced to convince mothers that 'breast is best'. The reasons
include both physiological and psychological advantages for the infant and
the mother as well. The protein and other ingredients in human milk differ
qualitatively from the protein in cow's milk. Breast milk is sterile and
is not subject to contamination. Breast fed infants are more resistant to
infections and communicable diseases. They are also less susceptible to
allergic reactions. It is also cheaper to breast feed an infant than to
purchase formula milk for bottle feeding. Breast feeding offers a superior
psychological intimacy that results in emotional and cognitive advantages
over other feeding methods. Breast-feeding also facilitates the
development of mother-infant relationships and bonding.
Breast feeding the new
born is more practical and less time-consuming than bottle feeding. There
is no need for bottle sterilisers and washing. The milk supply is ready
whenever the baby needs it. Babies who are breastfed have been found to
cry less in the later months of the first year compared with those who are
bottle-fed. Remember, nothing is more rewarding than the love between
parent and child. Making time for your baby is definitely worth it.
During the early days
following birth, breastfeeding provides the baby with the benefits of
colostrum. Colostrum is the Pre-milk substance secreted by the breasts
until milk is produced, usually about the second or third postpartum day.
Colostrum is rich in all of the baby's essential needs.
Breast milk provides all
the nutrition and vitamins the baby needs for at least the first six
months after birth. Breast milk contains immunology factors that help
prevent a host of diseases and allergies. Except in extreme circumstances,
as in the case of mothers who suffer from AIDS and who can transmit the
sickness to their babies, there is no real substitute for mothers' milk.
Also, physical contact
with the mother evidently adds to the satisfaction of feeding. Authorities
in various fields of child development have insisted that the breast is
the only satisfactory way of feeding an infant. Breast feeding is
recommended as many physicians believe it offers an advantage to the baby,
physiologically as well as emotionally, because of the definite advantages
that result from the mother's own satisfaction in nursing her baby. The
baby needs affectionate handling, plenty of time and a relaxed atmosphere,
just as much as the milk itself.
These traditional traits
are for the good and well-being of children. It is up to the parents,
especially the mother to provide them with love, care and affection as
their rightful dues. The mother is responsible for the child being good or
wayward. The mother can thus reduce juvenile delinquency!'
Those who lead their lives
by going against nature, must face the consequences either physically or
mentally'.
BIRTH CONTROL
Planned parenthood or
voluntary parenthood under the Family Planning Programme refers to the
regulation of conception within the family and is often referred to as
birth control. Planned parenthood refers to the regulation and spacing of
offspring by legal and ethical means, depending on the health, economic
condition and circumstances of husband and wife.
One must take into
consideration the fact that a controlled birth rate is conducive to sane
living. Rapidly increasing population is a dangerous trend that creates
problems in the wake of people marching towards sufficiency and secure
living.
In Asia, where generations
of people continue to live in sub-human conditions, it is appropriate to
take advantages of Family Planning, in so far as it does not come into
conflict with communal problems. A country that is able to support itself
enjoys the greatest freedom.
There is no reason for
Buddhists to oppose birth control. They are at liberty to use any of the
old or modern methods to prevent conception. Those who object to birth
control by saying that it is against God's law to practise it, must
realise that their concept regarding this issue is not very reasonable. In
birth control what is done is to prevent the coming into being of an
existence, and hence there is no killing involved.
ABORTION
Although a person has the
freedom to plan a family according to his own conviction, abortion is
however not justifiable. This action is wrong because it involves the
taking away or destroying of a visible or invisible life.
The word abortion evokes
images of desperate young women and back-street abortionists. To many, the
word also carries an illegal and criminal connotation. In the developed
West the issue has been politicised as well.
Abortion is defined as the
expulsion of a foetus from the uterus, brought about by accidental means
or induction, before it is capable of carrying on its own life. In medical
terms, abortion is the termination of pregnancy up to the 28th week of
gestation. After this period, the foetus is regarded medically as viable,
and any subsequent expulsion of the unborn human being may either be a
live birth or a still birth.
In law, when abortion is
committed with malicious intent, it becomes a criminal offence and the
party causing it may be charged and punished. When an abortion results in
the death of the woman, the crime is designated as murder.
The abortion issue has
always remained contentious, but for women faced with an unwanted
pregnancy, the matter is neither illegal nor political. It is personal and
one which has to be dealt with quickly, at whatever cost. Under certain
circumstances, such women in desperate situations may feel compelled to
resort to abortion. But they should not justify this act of abortion, for
somehow or other they will have to face the adverse consequences of
committing such a cruel act.
In this country, ending a
pregnancy is permitted only when it has been ascertained that the mother's
physical or mental health is in danger. The procedure is referred to as
therapeutic abortion and it requires the certification of two medical
practitioners. Any other request for induced abortions would contravene
the law.
Religious principles
should never be surrendered for the satisfaction of humankind. Rather they
should stand for the welfare of mankind as a whole.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
The problem of domestic
violence affecting families, particularly in the lower income group, and
in certain, cases even in affluent societies, has reached alarming
proportions. It has become necessary for the Government to legislate
action, resulting in the recent passing of the Domestic Violence Act by
Parliament in June 1996.
Evidence shows that a
battered wife in many cases still loves her husband despite all the
abuses, which she puts down to his alcoholism, gambling, womanising and
constant financial problems. This is the reality of the problem of
domestic violence faced by a large number of women today. Many a battered
wife just endures it because she firmly believes that any retaliation on
her part might end in her losing custody of her children, and her right to
inherit the matrimonial home and to enjoy any form of financial security.
The public generally holds
the view that domestic violence is a matter that does not warrant any
outside intervention. For instance, neighbours will quickly come to a
woman's aid if they hear her scream that she is being burgled, but when
she screams from her husband's constant battery, others are reluctant to
intervene as they consider it a personal family matter. Until very
recently this view was also held by the police. Under the Domestic
Violence Act however, police duties now include escorting the abused
spouse home to collect her belongings, if necessary. What abused wives ask
for is protection under the law, and not so much that their husbands be
punished.
The Act gives protection
to the abused spouse without breaking up the family. Under the Act one
would be able to get a court order barring the abusive spouse from the
matrimonial home, providing maintenance to the abused spouse and children
as well as giving her custody of the children. The Act makes domestic
violence a punishable offence.
DIVORCE - ONLY AS A LAST
RESORT
Divorce is a controversial
issue among the followers of different religions. Some people believe that
marriage is recorded in heaven and therefore human beings have no right to
allow divorce. But, if a husband and wife really cannot live together,
instead of leading a miserable life and generating more conflict, anger
and hatred, they should have the liberty to separate and live apart
peacefully.
Separation or divorce is
not prohibited in Buddhism though the necessity would scarcely arise if
the Buddha's injunctions were strictly followed. Men and women must have
the liberty to separate if they really cannot agree with each other.
Separation is preferred to suffering a miserable family life for a long
period of time.
Some may prefer legal
separation which is a kind of divorce except that the marriage exists in
name for various reasons.
Factors contributing to
divorce vary. When the flame of love suddenly dies or when the vow to
'love, honour and cherish each other for life' seems no longer possible to
maintain, divorce appears to be the best solution. Of course, there are
other factors too, ranging from extra-marital affairs, in-law problems as
well as family differences faced by working mothers related to the pursuit
of a career. In this connection, we are reminded of the Buddha's advice
that old men should not marry young wives as it can create
incompatibility, jealousy and suspicion (Parabhava Sutta).
Under the Law Reform
(Marriage and Divorce) Act 1976, and with effect from 1 March 1982,
Marriage Tribunals have also been set up throughout Malaysia with
functions to resolve and to reconcile couples, other than those of the
Muslim faith, who have marital difficulties. (Couples of the Muslim faith
are separately governed by Syariah Law and come under the jurisdiction of
the Syariah Court).
Marriage Tribunals have
been set up in every State, including the Federal Territory of Kuala
Lumpur. The Act makes it mandatory to refer a matrimonial difficulty to
the Marriage Tribunal set up under the Act before a divorce petition can
be filed.
The Act provides a time
frame of six months to see if the couple can reach a settlement. Every
Tribunal has to meet the statutory requirement of three or four hearings
per case within the six-monthly period. If there are no signs of
reconciliation, the Tribunal will issue a certificate to that effect to
the petitioner. It is only after the certificate is issued that a
petitioner can file a divorce petition in the High Court through a lawyer.
Unfortunately, when
parents get divorced, their children become the innocent victims who
suffer the worst consequences of that failed marriage. Divorce is a social
phenomenon and is something which affects the children psychologically and
could make them feel insecure. They have to cope with innumerable problems
of acceptance, adjustment and insecurity. Such young children will need
constant counselling and constant moral support and comfort to ride out
this very traumatic phase in their lives.
Divorced parents are often
portrayed as selfish hedonists interested only in their own happiness, and
not their children's.
Some may have to live with
a stepparent when their parents remarry and will have to make new living
arrangements. Divorce is almost like denying child the right to have a
fulfilled life with both biological parents under one roof. Because of
their disturbed minds, these children could lose concentration and as a
result their performance in school could be affected. This will runaway
children and juvenile crime.
Very often when the
divorce had been unpleasant and having suffered physically at the hands of
their angry parents, children grow up being afraid of entering into
marriage themselves in later life because they view it as threatening
their safety and holding little hope for happiness. They have lost trust
in their parents for breaking up the marriage and they also lack trust in
the opposite sex.
For some children, the
emotional scars may heal with time. But for others, they may remain.
Divorce therefore affects not just two people but many other innocent
parties as well. There must be powerful reasons before anyone seeks to
resort to divorce.
Most children of divorced
parents would occasionally cherish and harbour the secret wish that they
would get reconciled and family life becomes normal again.
Utmost care must be taken
to ensure that separation is done in an atmosphere of goodwill and
understanding by adopting reasonable solutions and not by creating more
hatred. In fact they should make every effort to part amicably as friends.
If a couple has children, they should try to make the divorce less
traumatic for them and help them to adjust to the new situation. It is
most important to ensure that their future and welfare will be well taken
care of. It is inhuman if the couple desert their children and allow them
to fend for themselves and lead a miserable life.
When a man for whatever
reason institutes divorce proceedings it is the woman who more often than
not will be the most hurt in the process. Her cherished dream of a happy
married life would be shattered, particularly so if the husband, involved
in an extra-marital affair, is seeking release from the marriage vows to
be with the 'other woman.' A woman facing impending divorce would often
express her frustrated feelings which is typical in such tragic cases: 'I
was devastated. For me the world had come to an end and I thought about
dying to make him regret for not wanting me.
The dilemma faced by many
divorced women in Malaysia is the sad fact that she has only the right to
care for her child but has no authority as legal guardian. In connection
with this predicament, mothers who have custody of their children are
forced to appeal to their ex-husbands to exercise what should be their
(the mothers') right in the first place. What if the father does not
co-operate by giving his consent or if he cannot be traced? The
unfortunate child, who may need a passport to study abroad for example
will be left in a quandary.
The only way a mother will
ever get to be the legal guardian of her child is when the father dies, is
declared insane or has a criminal record. Under the circumstances, lawyers
generally advise women to start applying for custody and guardianship as
soon as they are separated from their husbands, and not wait until divorce
proceedings start, but this is never an easy process.
DISCRIMINATION AGAINST
WOMEN
The Buddha says that if we
are to understand anything, we must learn to 'see things as they are'. It
is after such analysis of women in relation to men, that He came to the
conclusion that there is no impediment in women to enable them to practise
religion as men do and attain the highest state in life, which is
Arahanthood or Sainthood, the highest level of mental purity. The Buddha
had to face strong opposition in giving full freedom to women to practise
religion.
At the time of the Buddha,
before He emancipated women, the customs and traditions were such that the
women were considered as chattel, to be used by men at their pleasure.
Manu, the ancient lawgiver of India, had decreed that women were inferior
to men. Women's position in society was therefore very low, and it was
restricted to the kitchen. They were not even allowed to enter temples and
to participate in religious activities in any manner whatsoever.
As we have previously
noted under the heading 'Birth Control', discrimination against females
begins even before the child is born into this world! The widespread
practice of female foeticide prevalent in many parts of the world today
testifies to this horrifying fact. Further on, under the heading 'Women's
Liberation Movement and its Effect on Family Life', the discrimination
against women in affluent societies, particularly those aspiring for top
managerial positions in the corporate sector, will be dealt with in detail
In developing and
underdeveloped countries however, the situation can only be described as
being far worse and more deplorable as the following accounts will reveal.
In India's ritualistic,
male dominated society, widowhood is a terrible fate for a woman. There
are numerous cases of widows (some still in their 20s) who were cast away
from their families and shunned by society after their husband died.
Among superstitious
families, a widow often is blamed by her in-laws for her husband's death
and is even ostracised. There are few options left for widows. Hindus
frown on remarriage for women, although there are no such barriers for
men. Until modern times, widows were expected to jump on to the funeral
pyre of their husbands according to a tradition known as sati. Although
the practice was outlawed by the British several decades ago, the last
known case occurred as recently as 1996. Most women in India have little
to look forward to when they become widows.
One typical tragic example
could be cited of a widow who underwent child marriage which is another
custom prevalent in rural India. She laments: 'I was married off when I
was only five years old. My husband, whom I never saw, was 13 and he died
one month after the wedding. I am now a widow.'
According to the World
Bank, 65% of Indian women older than 60 are widows. That figure rises to
80% women older than 70.
The All India Democratic
Women's Association reports that in India where a woman's identity is
determined by her being an appendage to a male, widowhood has much larger
implications than just losing a husband.
The situation is no better
even in some other neighbouring countries. For a long time, families
regarded daughters as inferior to sons and treated them accordingly. A
girl is generally seen as suitable only for household chores. She lives
through a series of social practices which generate, breed and reinforce
discrimination against her. She becomes an economic burden and a moral
liability. Yet, she is expected to raise healthy, hardworking and educated
children and be a good mother. Many little boys grow up thinking their
sisters are inferior having seen them treated less well than themselves.
These beliefs are reinforced by many members of the society, including
women themselves.
Perhaps the single biggest
issue is the lack of support and the restrictions girls face if they want
to do something with their lives beyond the traditional roles assigned to
them as domestic help, baby-sitters for younger siblings, cooks and
cleaners. In effect, girls are under life-long training to be good wives
when they grow up.
As a 16 year old girl from
Rawalpindi, points out: 'Our society does not treat girls well. People
here do not educate their girls because to them girls are not theirs.
Girls are seen as belonging to their future in-laws' families and any
investment in their future is futile. They go to their husbands' homes at
a young age, usually anywhere from 13. The rest of their lives is spent
looking after in-laws, and bearing and bringing up children to prolong and
strengthen their husband's family line'.
We need to eradicate this
type of thinking and make education compulsory and free so that it does
not become an issue' she says. 'Girls should also be able to have jobs,
working in places where no one disapproves and preferably with other girls
so parents can't object. I have always regretted that I was born a girl.
Sometimes when I was not allowed to do something I would go to my room,
cry and pray to God to make me a boy'.
The Girl Child Project in
such countries is slowly changing all this by developing a core of young
girls to act as catalysts in creating local awareness of the problems of
girls and the discrimination they face.
The issue of education
crops up almost invariably. Many girls have had to fight for their right
to education. Some were helped in this fight by their untutored mothers
who believed that their own lives would have been better if they had had
some schooling.
In many societies a
woman's place is in the home; a married woman owes her first allegiance to
her duties as wife and mother. There is no such thing as 'women's lib'.
Even in some progressive societies women are humiliated. For example in
public places, they are required not only to sit apart from the men, but
out of their view -- that is, behind them. When women are placed at the
back of a room or hall, it acts as a subtle indication that their expected
role is 'behind' and not 'together with' that of the men.
Some people believe that
women are prone to evil. Therefore, it would be better to get them do more
domestic work so that they can forget their natural evil attitude.
WOMEN'S LIBERATION
MOVEMENT AND ITS EFFECT ON FAMILY LIFE
In the distant past men
went out to hunt for food for the family and the women remained at home to
cook and take care of the children and the home. Hence the origin of the
popular phrase: 'A woman's place is in the home'.
In the old days, women
were quite content being home makers. They did not go out to work or
pursue a career. The stereotype of womanhood -- a life that revolves
around children and kitchen -- has eroded over the past several decades,
as more and more women have pursued careers. Rural society in general
however still promotes motherhood and not careerism. Society accepts quite
generally the fact that the single woman worker ordinarily supports
herself and she contributes largely to the support of aged parents and
younger members of the family. Most women seek employment because of
economic needs and changing attitudes about personal fulfilment.
However with the call for
women's liberation, many women seem to think that the solution is to
compete with men outside the home. Such women should consider very
carefully whether they want to bear children, or to pursue a career. It is
irresponsible for a mother to bring a life into this world and then leave
it in the care of others without due consideration for its welfare. You
are responsible for what you create.
There has been a notable
increase of married women who are employed. Today, they have forged ahead
as career women, often playing a dual role of working woman and mother.
Most working mothers are torn between the guilt of leaving their children
at home with servants and the call of their careers.
With more and more women
doing further studies, the number of working mothers is increasing. Over
the years, women have made substantial advances in the professions and now
occupy important top management positions in government departments and in
the private sector. The trend is most pronounced in the urban areas. In
the political field women have risen to top ministerial positions, to the
extent that they find themselves more in the limelight of public life,
whilst their husbands in the background, have to be content and remained
in the shadows of their wives.
Women executives climbing
the corporate ladder to top management positions however still face subtle
form of sex discrimination. The gender gap faced by aspiring women,
particularly professionals, is most pronounced at the top of the corporate
ladder.
Boardroom decisions
usually end up with the remark: 'We are reluctant to groom them for
leadership jobs because our investment is lost if they leave to become
mothers.'
Gender discrimination at
the executive level however is not easy to prove; hence the term 'glass
ceiling' has been coined to describe the invisible but rigid barrier that
blocks women's path to the upper echelons of corporate power. Although
some people categorically deny the existence of such a barrier, women's
routes to the top are blocked by this so called 'glass ceiling . Hence to
reach the top a woman has to make a choice between career and family. Some
conscientious working mothers, with domestic helpers to look after the
babies, have come to realise they could never leave their babies at the
mercy of strange women; so however much they enjoy their office work they
decide to give up their careers. It is indeed sad that some women on the
other hand have chosen to pursue their careers at the expense of their
families.
A child has a right to be
satisfied materially, but more importantly spiritually and
psychologically. The provision of material comfort is secondary when
compared to the provision of parental love and attention. We know of many
people from poor homes who in spite of their meagre income have brought up
children well with penty of love.
Conversely, many rich
people have provided every material comfort for their children, but being
deprived of parental love, these children have grown up to become
psychologically and morally handicapped.
Some women may feel that
advising them to concentrate on the upbringing of the family is below
their dignity or something degrading and reflects the thinking of the old
and the conservative. It is true that in the past, women have been treated
very badly, but this was due more to ignorance on the part of men rather
than to an inherent weakness in women. The Sanskrit word for a housewife
is Gruhini which literally means 'leader of the house.' Certainly it does
not imply that a woman is inferior. Rather it means a division of
responsibility for the male and the female.
Women have been struggling
for ages to gain equality with men in the field of education, the
professions, politics and other avenues. They are now at par with men to a
great extent. The male generally tends to be aggressive by nature and the
female more emotional. In the domestic scene, particularly in the East,
the male is more dominant as head of the family whilst the female tends to
remain as a passive partner. Please remember, 'passive' here does not mean
'weak'. Rather it is a positive quality of'modesty' and 'gentleness'. If
man and woman maintain their masculine and feminine qualities inherited
from nature and recognise their respective strengths and status, then such
an attitude can contribute towards a congenial and mutual understanding
between the sexes.
In this connection,
Gandhi's remarks are very relevant: 'I believe in the proper education of
woman. But I do believe that woman will not make her contribution to the
world by mimicking or running a race with man. She can run the race, but
she will not rise to the great heights she is capable of by mimicking
man'. Here we can look at the wisdom of the ancient Chinese when they
created the YIN and YANG symbol. The curved line which divides the dark
and light segments show that opposites need not take confrontational
stances. When one dominates the other recedes. When one side recedes the
other dominates, and so both remain equal. Womem has to be the complement
of man.
In certain countries, many
husbands hand over their pay packets to their wives who handle domestic
affairs. This leaves the man free to concentrate on what he can do best
for the family. Since each partner knows clearly what his or her
responsibilities are, there is no conflict between them. The atmosphere at
home is thus happy and peaceful where their children can grow up well.
Of course, the husband
must see to it that his partner is well cared for, that she is consulted
on every family decision, that there is enough freedom for her to develop
her own personality and that she has her own free time to pursue her
personal interests. In this sense, husband and wife are both equally
responsible for the welfare of their family. They should not be in
competition with each other.
A mother should consider
carefully whether she should continue as a working mother with all the
attendant pitfalls or to be a housewife giving all her undivided
attention, due affection and care to her growing children. Strangely, some
modern mothers, particularly in certain countries with military regimes
facing a shortage of manpower, are being trained to handle guns or other
deadly weapons when they should be cuddling their children and training
them to be good or law-abiding citizens.
In certain countries
female soldiers often carry arms, though usually for self defence, and
they are no longer restricted to the rear echelon. In the air, women now
fly combat aircraft and attack helicopters, not just being drivers of
military transports, but at home they still display their gentleness and
caring natures especially with to children.
CHILDREN AND SEX EDUCATION
Teaching children the
facts of sex and sexual development needs to be done with care,
sensitivity and in a holistic manner. Coping with changes in sexual
development is an issue every child must face, and the challenge is even
more critical for children during their early formative years. Educators
and parents must therefore regard sexuality as part of human drives and
needs that must be correctly channelled.
The necessity for giving
correct information about sexual development to children is of paramount
importance. Children nowadays are exposed to knowledge about sex through
the mass media (often with gory details), books, through the Internet and
also from their peers, and if they are not taught to differentiate between
what is appropriate and what is not, they might end up exhibiting
inappropriate behaviour. No parents will ever want their children to
obtain information on sexual development from the gutter.
Parents can impart
knowledge of sex to their children but such information needs to be
tailored to the child's level of understanding -- in this case, the mental
age, which may not correspond to the child's chronological age. Children
are very innocent and can easily be victims of sexual abuse in the hands
of unscrupulous adults. The child may not even realize that he is being
used as an object to gratify the deviant sexual needs of adults.
One important area is the
need to inform children as to what constitutes 'appropriate and
inappropriate touching'. The importance of giving such awareness to
children is stressed on parents. The child needs to know who is allowed to
touch him or her and when, and where; what a doctor can touch, situations
the child should avoid, and how best to stop inappropriate conduct in the
classroom.
Parents themselves need to
be aware that inappropriate touching could also happen between relatives.
For instance, parents usually tell their children to 'beware of
strangers', yet studies have shown that in child sexual abuse cases, the
majority of abusers are in fact known to the child, or are members of the
child's own family.
As with other children in
society, children require open lines of communication with their parents.
This would include openness in discussing issues connected with sex. If
any untoward physical contact has occurred they should be comfortable in
telling their parents about it, instead of being too ashamed or too afraid
to reveal details.
Sex education is important
because one cannot expect teenagers to follow rules blindly without
knowing why they must follow them. One of the subjects they should be
educated about is why they should abstain from sex until after
marriage.Many people oppose sex education for children because they think
that 'once you tell them about it, they will go out and abuse it.' It is
significant to note that in Switzerland, sex education is taught in
kindergartens and that country has the lowest number of teenage
pregnancies in the world. What is vitally important is that children be
taught responsible sexual behaviour from the time they are ready for such
instruction. A sound sexual education will save the child untold stress
from guilt, fear, remorse and retribution in the future.
CRIME NURSERY
The most fertile grounds
for nurturing crimes are families. In spite of all the measures taken to
decrease crime rates, violent crimes are increasing in many families in
modern, technologically advanced societies. Most of them learn to become
criminals from the way they are being brought up.
In some countries, while
adult crime rates have fallen somewhat, crimes committed by youths
continue to rise. We learn from the mass media that many children take
guns to their schools. Sometimes we hear that very young children even
below the age of five, have shot their siblings or parents. Usually crimes
among youths are related to drugs and alcohol, which are easily available
to them in some homes. Criminals are not born, but made by misguided and
inconsiderate families and by the environment in which they live.
It has become a 20th
century fashion among many people to live together without getting
married. In some cases, children born into such circumstances suffer from
neglect. Quite often these children end up under the care and guidance of
one parent, usually the mother. The parent who is more irresponsible
leaves the children under the care of the other partner. Women, since they
often experience discrimination, have to work twice as hard as their male
counterparts to provide for themselves and their children. The modern
global economy is such that women are more disadvantaged than even
underprivileged men. As the entire social structure has taken a completely
different route from that of the traditional one, support for the family
is also almost non-existent in many countries. Women often suffer more as
a result and their difficulties are reflected in families they try to
raise.
Children brought up by
single parents often don't receive enough parental love and care.
Psychologically-troubled parents cannot give very sound emotional
fulfillment to their children. These children's baby-sitters sometimes are
TV sets or other people who have been brought up the same way as those
whom they baby sit. Many a time, baby sitters are young girls who need
money for their own drugs or alcohol. They do not have any training in
taking care of babies. While baby-sitting, they themselves. may be smoking
or taking illegal drugs. Under such circumstances, children do not receive
enough necessary care, guidance, love and, most important, basic
education.
No baby sitter can give
the same love and care as mothers do. Children can never relate to baby
sitters as they do to their own parents.
When they grow up, such
children may start their own careless and misguided way of life. They
don't receive proper religious education. Nor do they know how to explore
religions on their own. To make things worse for them, TV violence become
their role model. Many movie producers and writers are writing books
promoting violence primarily so they can make a few quick dollars.
Children who grow up without proper guidance lay their hands on these
books and try to imitate what they watch on TV and what they read in
books.
Many parents are also not
very careful about their guns and alcohol. Some parents drink and smoke in
front of their children. When they lose their sense of responsibility
under the influence of alcohol, their senses are so dulled that they do
not remember to put away their bottles, cigarettes and guns in appropriate
places or to hide them away from children. They also unmindfully and
carelessly keep their loaded guns accessible to children. Children are
inadvertently encouraged to satisfy their natural curiosity by using guns,
alcohol, drugs and cigarettes.
Some parents, who
themselves come from broken families may be without enough education in
morality and ethics to restrain their senses and so misbehave in front of
their children. Some parents, grandparents, uncles, and brothers even
sexually abuse young children. Sexually abused children grow up with
unforgiving hatred towards their abusers. Sometimes they themselves can
turn to similar crimes when they grow up.
Society often makes
matters worse for troubled families and their children. Gun producers are
very glad to see more and more people using guns to increase their income.
Drug users make greater profits by using small children, mostly from
broken families, for distributing and using drugs. Children who make money
by selling drugs do everything to encourage their peers to use and deal in
drugs. When their parents are not at home it may be even more of a thrill
to get hold of some drugs and alcohol from their own parents' unlocked
repositories.
Divorce has also become
the norm of the day in many technologically advanced societies. The ones
who suffer most from divorce are children. In their young and tender
years, children need all the love and care possible from both parents.
That is the age they need proper guidance and good examples as models to
follow. That is the age when the mind absorbs everything quickly like a
sponge. When their parents are divorced or separated prior to divorce,
children become devastated and bewildered. Parents, who are struggling
themselves to handle their emotions and to put their own lives together,
cannot guide children in the right direction, nor can they pay all the
necessary attention to children for their healthy growth. If totally
neglected by parents, children seek solutions to their problems from
friends, many of whom themselves come from broken families. None of them
can truly help each other.
Even in homes untroubled
by divorce, children may not see enough of their parents. Parents are
extremely busy these days making money to provide comfortable lives for
themselves and their children. Quite often they are not home because they
have more than one job, to make more money. Some are not home because they
have to make numerous business-related trips out of town. Some parents who
may not be travelling are instead overly engaged in their work at the
office. Some are such workaholics they cannot spend a minute in their
waking life without doing something related to their jobs. Or, from very
early in the morning they commute to work and cannot return home until
late in the evening, bringing home some more work. They might go to bed
very late in the evening and continue to think of their next day's work.
They are busy working every waking moment of the day and busy thinking of
their next day's work even while sleeping.
Asked why they are so
obsessed with work, such parents might say that they have to earn and save
to provide for their family. But since they always live in tension, they
are always grouchy and grumpy. Grumbling, they wake up in the morning, and
grumbling, they go to bed in the evening. Any tiny little thing can
irritate them. They don't have any time for themselves or their children.
They believe that if they earn more their children's future will be
assured. But no matter how much they earn it is not enough. And some
parents who have more than they need do not have time for their children
because they spend more time with their friends than with their families.
When children come home
from school, they often do whatever they like because there is nobody at
home to supervise them. In some cases, parents pick up their children from
schools on their way home from work and yet don't have time to listen to
them. They like children to be seen but not to be heard. Children are
afraid to talk to their parents lest they might anger them for speaking up
about their problems. Children's problems may continue to grow, when they
have no time to discuss them with their parents. Their peers are not in a
position to give them meaningful advice.
Some parents look forward
to having their children grow up and leave home as soon as possible, so
they can be free to do what they wish to do. Sadly, their children may
also look forward to growing up quickly to be free from their parents. In
extreme cases, some misguided, impatient children even kill their parents
to take possession of their property. Children wishing to achieve their
independence as quickly as possible become more selfish. We know the
problems. There is no close-loving relationship between parents and
children. But what are the solutions?
Of course, both parents
and children can be independent and still have a good relationship with
one another. Relationships between parents and children have been highly
valued by the Buddha. To promote these good relationships, the Buddha has
advocated numerous measures. If parents fulfil their duties and
responsibilities towards children and if children fulfil their
responsibility toward parents, more harmonious and peaceful families can
result.
People who equate money
with happiness are often at the root of violent crimes. Almost all crimes
are committed by people who have not been educated in moral and ethical
values. If you invest all your interest, all your energy and time in
making money or in sensual pleasure at the cost of your children's future,
how can you expect your children to learn the distinction between good and
evil? Or if you teach your children to hate your neighbor because the
neighbor is different from you and your values, how can you expect your
children to respect anybody?
Or if you teach your
children to hate others who follow a religion different from yours, how
can you expect your children not to be violent? Or if you teach your
children to hate others for speaking a different language which you don't
understand, how can you expect them to reduce crimes in the society? There
is a low number of violent crimes in societies where there is a close
family link between parents and children, a close relationship between
relatives and between families. In societies where there is a free
exchange of time, wealth, energy, knowledge, love and care, violent crime
diminishes.
Blessed are the parents
and children who have a loving relationship between them. Blessed is the
home where there is friendship and harmony. Parents should make some
sacrifices to give all their love and care to their children. Wise parents
should invest their time, energy and money to create a healthy home
environment where they can bring up their children happily. To take care
of their children, some benevolent parents take turns working outside the
home. In some cases, it would be advisable for parents to change their
work schedules, if both must work to earn sufficient income to support
their families. Sometimes, either the father or the mother may decide to
stay home to take care of their children if one of them earns enough
income to support the family.
Good parents should
realize they are role models for their children. To discipline children,
parents must be disciplined themselves. If parents are undisciplined, they
cannot expect any discipline from their children. When parents do try to
discipline their children, sometimes the children may rebel against them.
They might even say they hate their parents. Nevertheless, good parents
should not be afraid of children's comments such as these. When children
grow up they will realize their parents disciplined them for their own
benefit.
Sometimes, children may
have an important topic, related to anxious feelings or learning problems
or peer-problems, and may wish to discuss them with their parents. Then,
parents must listen to them mindfully, patiently and compassionately.
During the discussion, if children use abusive language parents should
reprimand them immediately then allow them to continue the discussion. If
they show emotion, parents should not play a co-dependent role and also
become emotional, but listen mindfully, hoping to help them. In other
words, when children are angry, parents should listen to them mindfully
and patiently without themselves getting angry, so they can be effective
in helping children.
Parents and children
should have open and friendly discussions regularly. Parents should admit
their mistakes and apologize to children. If parents shout, curse or throw
their own temper tantrum, they should apologize to children either
immediately or later on and explain the reason why they behaved that way.
They should determine not to repeat that kind of behaviour in front of
children. Children also should be encouraged to admit their mistakes and
apologize to parents. Parents should appreciate the good things children
do and acknowledge any improvement they have made. Reward and punishment
works with everybody.
If there are several
children in a family, parents should be equally fair to all of them. In
dealing with family problems, parents always should exercise caution to do
justice to all of the children. If they should praise one child more than
others in front of everybody, their siblings may become jealous of the one
that was praised. When parents are full of loving-kindness and compassion,
solving any family problem is easy.
Parents should treat
children with honour and dignity, as wonderful human beings who are going
to take the world's responsibility into their hands one day.
Whenever children do
something good, parents should not forget to appreciate and reward them,
at least in words. When children do something unethical, immoral and
harmful, parents should immediately reprimand them and talk to them
directly. Parents should know when to reprimand them in private and when
to reprimand them at a family meeting, in front of everybody. Also,
neither the father nor mother should criticize each other in front of
children. They should have their own private meeting to discuss problems.
Parents should choose the
right words, right attitude, right moment and right place to tell the
right things to children. In every situation parents should make sure that
they really and sincerely love their children. They must assure their
children that they honestly love them. If you humiliate children in front
of everybody, children may do many wrong things secretly. They will also
learn to be hypocritical. Parents must be very honest with children. If
parents are dishonest, children lose respect for them. You as parents
cannot demand respect if you don't deserve it. You should learn to earn it
by your own behavior and attitude towards children. And don't expect to be
their teacher all the time. Children, too can be very good teachers to
parents.
'One of the best things
parents can do to establish and maintain a friendly and loving
relationship with children is to spend some time practising
loving-kindness and meditation. They should make it a habit to encourage
children to join them a few minutes every day practising meditation. In
many good Buddhist families, parents and children spend a few minutes
reciting some religious verses. They have little home shrines where they
gather every day at least for a few minutes.' -- -Ven Dr. Henepola
Gunaratana, USA.
JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
Any discussion of juvenile
delinquency raises two fundamental questions: (1) Who are the juveniles?
and (2) What constitutes delinquency? In answer to the first question, the
most common criterion employed is chronological age. The vast majority of
the laws dealing with juvenile delinquency throughout the world provide an
age limit beyond which special procedures and measures meant for juveniles
are inapplicable. The age limit applicable to juveniles in Malaysia will
be dealt with later in subsequent paragraphs.
The second question as to
what constitutes delinquency is more difficult to answer. The word
delinquency is derived from the Latin deliquesce meaning 'neglect', and it
may be interpreted in broad terms as neglect on the part of juveniles to
conform to the accepted standards of behaviour in a given society. An
antisocial act is defined as a criminal offence constituting delinquency
when committed by a juvenile.
Some of us have a black
sheep in the family or in our midst. What is the cause? Research has
disclosed a number of factors which show how a young child may face the
danger of falling into crime. The main reasons for crimes are stated to
be: (a) criminal history in the child's family; (b) unhappy family
back-ground arising from inconsistent behaviour by parents where harsh and
erratic discipline is mixed with generosity in the provision of material
gifts; (c) large family size; (d) a record of truancy, and (e) failure to
do well at school.
A juvenile delinquent
probably comes from a bad home environment, has no selfconfidence, no
belief in his own identity and no experience of normal satisfaction. The
key to the solution will be the family. To what extent are parents
responsible for this state of affairs? The young persons who commit petty
crimes could have been neglected in childhood. They want possessions and
money. But because they do not know how to earn them they steal them.
Those who commit violent crimes, in addition to having been neglected,
usually are treated cruelly in childhood. They do not feel ashamed about
going to prison. They have no sense of letting anybody down and they have
no desire for social approval.
Divorced parents often
create serious emotional problems for children. They are deprived of
family traditions which could have helped them to behave with correctness
and decorum.
There is no way to make
children do anything once they become truly defiant. Punishment and reward
have their limitations. When do we start controlling or motivating our
children? Psychologists maintain that it is in the first couple of years
of life that the largest part of this process takes place during which
period parental love arouses the corresponding love in children.
This period is vital to
guide the child as he grows up to be a responsible or an anti-social
person. In these modern times many six to seven year old children are no
longer the little darlings we admired and caressed, but are often defiant
little brats. Parents are largely responsible for such behaviour. We
should nurture habits of serious critical thought in our children,
teaching them to measure actions against consequences.
At this stage of
development of children, the school has an equal responsibility with
parents. Some children are afraid to go to school for fear of being
bullied or teased or of being too self-conscious of their appearance or
worried about doing badly in their school work or have fear of teachers.
In the light of such experiences, an attempt to make the lives of children
from five to six years more secure is appropriate.
Recent reports on juvenile
delinquency released by the Welfare Services Department show a sharp
increase in the number of criminal cases (300 per cent since 1962)
committed by those below 18. This is indeed saddening, seeing how much
effort has gone into programmes and projects to propagate and foster a
caring society. Over 4000 juvenile delinquents were arrested in 1995,
compared to about a thousand less in the previous year.
Most of the youths caught
were those who had difficulties in school. Indiscipline among students has
reached an alarming stage. Teenage delinquency has been caused by the lack
of attention received at home, the presence of unhealthy elements in
'shady' video game and amusement centres an mixing with bad company. The
study had singled out students living in squatter areas and low cost flats
as the most vulnerable and problematic.
Datuk Seri Dr. Mahathir
Mohamad, the Prime Minister of Malaysia, said that if the Government
closed down certain centres where people encourage young person to get
into some immoral practices, they may do the same thing secretly.
Police have also expressed
concern over rising gangsterism and assault cases in schools. Such
criminal activities need to be curbed to prevent more pupils from getting
involved in serious crimes. Headmasters and teachers should counsel and
advise pupils against getting involved in criminal activities. The police
should be called in only if the problem is beyond their control.
Hisham Harun writes in The
New Straits Times dated March 5, 1997:
'Police statistics reveal
that in 1994, the number of arrests for crimes including drug addiction,
rape, incest, house-break-ins and car thefts stood at 4,192. Out of this,
a total 1,839 males and 23 females were Malay compared to 590 Chinese
males and 18 females, and 421 Indian males and 10 females
The following year, the
number of Malay offenders in this age group rose to 2,402 while the number
of Chinese youths arrested totalled 922; 507 Indian youths were caught.
Last year's figures were 2,890 Malays, 770 Chinese (registering a drop)
and 574 Indians, with Selangor, Iohor and Kedah posting the highest crime
rates among youths in the past three years. Malay youths made up the bulk
of offenders in all States.
National Unity and Social
Development Ministry statistics seem to support the police figures and
show that of the 2,898 juvenile cases involving drug abuse and other
social problems, 61 per cent of the offenders were Malays, 17 per cent
Chinese and 10 per cent Indians. In addition, Malays make up at least 70
per cent of inmates at the Hendry Gurney School for boys in Malacca'.
Sociologists and welfare
officers point the finger at the pressures of modern living, which
inevitably lead to a collapse of strong community and family bonds. Who
then are the people who need counselling? It would appear that the parents
need it as well, not just the juvenile delinquents.
Datuk Adul Kadir bin
Jasin, Group editor of The New Straits Times stated in the Sunday Times in
Malaysia that elders are also to be blamed for the social ills in the
country.
Adolescence is often a
time of conflicts - physically, emotionally and psychologicaly. It has now
been established that most juvenile delinquents are school children. When
school children display behaviour that merits concern, the authorities
should call up their parents and make them aware of what has been observed
about their children.
Such early 'warnings'
could help parents take some preventive or remedial measures before their
children add to the statistics of the country's criminal records. As such,
the home and the schools have very important roles to play in the
prevention of juvenile deliquency. If parents pay attention to the advice
given by the Buddha as their duty towards their children, many of the
problems created by the children can be curbed.
RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME
Running away from home is
becoming a serious problem among our young people which gives parents much
cause for concern. A 'runaway' youth is one who leaves home without
permission with the intention of not returning. Young people run away
because they feel a situation is intolerable. They see running away as a
solution. But, in fact, it only takes them physically away from the
problem. The mental stress and the trauma remain.
A social psychologist who
has studied this modern day problem says running away 'is an irrational
response to stress and frustration'. Indeed, 'there is enough reason in
the home and school environments to prompt even the most mentally healthy
person to consider flight as a way of coping.'
When a child starts to
think about running away, he asks himself many questions. He bargains with
himself a lot more than we adults think. Yet they are willing to give up
the known security of home, however limited, for the unknown promises of a
new environment. Why? It is because they are so desperate that they
perceive that any alternative is better compared to the suffering they
undergo at home. Running away is rarely well planned. It is a spontaneous,
impulsive behaviour.
Some parents rigidly
select and restrict their children's friends. Such parents may as a result
encourage their children to think of running away - towards the promise of
greater freedom outside their home. Girls tend to run away to escape a
closed family and their parents' over-protectiveness; for example, having
to make decisions about boy friends. Boys on the other hand often run away
because they have been unsupervised for far too long. They have developed
an impulsive and escapist behaviour, having got used to an unstructured
life-style.
Strain may also sometimes
arise from too little parenting. Parents preoccupied with work problems
may be incapable of correcting their child's behaviour. On the other hand
running away is almost always tied to excessive parental control and
unrealistic parental expectations.
The country's current
strong economic growth has led to various social problems which have
affected the nation's youths.
With the advent of
satellite television and the information superhighway, our youths will be
exposed to even more information containing negative values which would
lead to moral decay now haunting many youths in developed countries. We
must prepare ourselves for the challenges of a new world ahead.
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Source :
BuddhaSasana Home Page
Update: 01-01-2003
