[02]
THE BUDDHA'S ADVICE TO A
COUPLE
I- THE WIFE:
In advising women about
their role in married life, the Buddha appreciated the fact that peace and
harmony of a home rested largely on a woman. His advice was realistic and
practical when he explained a number of day-to-day characteristics which a
woman should or should not cultivate. On diverse occasions, the Buddha
counseled that a wife should:
- not harbor evil
thoughts against her husband
- not be cruel, harsh or
domineering
- not be spendthrift but
should be economical and live within her means;
- guard and save her
husbands' hard-earned earnings and property;
- always be attentive
and chaste in mind and action;
- be faithful and harbor
no thought of any adulterous acts;
- be refined in speech
and polite in action;
- be kind, industrious
and hardworking;
- be thoughtful and
compassionate towards her husband;
- be modest and
respectful;
- be cool, calm and
understanding - serving not only as a wife but also as a friend and
adviser when the need arises.
According to Buddhist
teaching, in a marriage, the husband can expect the following qualities
from his wife:
-love: A deep and
abiding love is the most emotional and spontaneous expression of desire
and self-fulfillment a husband expects of his wife. It is indeed the basis
of an intimate life-long mutual relationship and the means of bringing
into the world children whom they will love and cherish as long as they
live. Here love is not limited to mere attachment (prema), but it is an
all pervading quality of wishing for the genuine well-being of her
husband.
- attentiveness: To
be ever heedful, mindful and diligent, as well as to give her undivided
attention to her husband's needs;
- family obligations:
Besides fulfilling the duties and
responsibilities of the couple's own family, the wife should also honor
and respect her in-laws and deserving relatives and treat them as she
would her own parents;
- faithfulness: Is
associated with chastity, fidelity and steadfastness of the wife. It also
implies being trust worthy and giving her constant devotion to her
husband;
- Child-care:
Motherly love is the foundation of all love in the world. As a devoted
mother she would through her maternal instincts, even venture out at the
risk of her life, for the protection of her only child;
- thrift:
As the wife is entrusted with the task of
home management it is incumbent on her to be that household expenditure is
kept well within the family budget provided by the husband. To accomplish
this task, the wife has to economize on her expenditure and exercise
thrift, even to the extent of being frugal in doing so;
- the provision of meals:
As the mistress of the house, it
is the duty of the wife to prepare good nourishing food for the family.
The family meal is an important event each day as it develops goodwill and
togetherness;
- to calm him down when he
is upset: When the husband returns
home in an agitated state, the wife has to express herself in a soothing
manner so as to pacify and comfort him. This will ease the situation;
- sweetness in
everything: Besides expressing her endearing and tender feelings, the
wife should also possess a charming disposition, be always cheerful,
pleasant and comely.
II- THE HUSBAND
The Buddha, in reply to a
householder as to how a husband should minister to his wife, declared that
the husband should always honor and respect his wife, by being faithful to
her, by giving her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and
by giving her befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty five
centuries ago, still stand good till today.
Over the centuries, male
dominated societies have perpetuated the myth that men are superior to
women but the Buddha made a remarkable change and uplifted the status of
woman by a simple suggestion that a husband should honor and respect his
wife. Such a remark may be common today, but when we consider it was made
2500 years ago, it is no less than revolutionary!
A husband should be
faithful to his wife which means that a husband should fulfill and
maintain his marital obligations to his wife, thus sustaining the
confidence in the marital relationship in every sense of the word.
The husband being the
bread-winner, has to invariably be away from home, hence he should entrust
the domestic or household duties to the wife who should be considered as
the custodian and manager of their property and as the home
economic-administrator.
The provision of befitting
ornaments to the wife should be symbolic of the husband's love, care and
appreciation showered on her. This symbolic practice has been carried out
from time immemorial in Buddhist communities.
Unfortunately today it is
in danger of dying out because of the adverse influence of the modern way
of life.
The wife expectations from
the husband are:-
- tenderness:
Being gentle and respectful to the wife on
all matters when attending to her needs;
- courtesy:
Being polite, obliging, civil and modest in
his dealings and consultations with his wife;
- sociability:
Being genial, friendly, communicative and
compatible at all times with his wife in the company of their friends and
visitors to their home;
- security:
The principal objective a wife seeks in her
marriage is security to be provided by her husband.
In this respect the
husband is expected to be a tower of strength so as to withstand any form
of external threat to the family and to provide them with adequate
protection and safety at all times;
-fairness:
As a responsible husband, he should be giving
, compassionate and merciful as well as being charitable to deserving
causes needing his assistance. As a father, he has to be just and
reasonable to the demands of his growing children;
- loyalty:
As an understanding husband, he should give
his undivided loyalty to his wife and stand by her, through thick and
thin, under any adverse situation confronting the family.
He should be steadfast in
his principles and one whom the wife could, with complete confidence,
depend upon in facing any untoward eventuality;
- honesty:
Being a responsible husband, he has to be
upright in his character and be frank with his wife on all matters
affecting themselves and their children. He should not harbor any secrets
from his wife as this will ultimately erode her trust and confidence in
him;
- good companionship:
The husband should possess an
amiable personality and be able to mix with people from all walks of life.
He should be knowledgeable so as to be able to engage in intelligent
conversation at all levels of society and be approachable to anyone
needing his assistance. He also should possess a good sense of humour to
enliven his listeners who seek his companionship; and
-moral support:
As a responsible husband, he should be
able to stand steadfastly by his wife's side to the very end, in the face
of any untoward eventuality confronting her and lend her moral support and
much - needed courage to overcome such a situation.
III- HUSBAND AND WIFE
The husband is the
acknowledged head of the family, unless he is incapacitated from
performing his duties as such. Both in common law and under modern
legislation, the husband is legally bound to support his wife and family,
notwithstanding the fact that the wife has her own property or income or
is capable of earning her own support.
Even today where many
wives work, the nurturing of a family should be a shared experience.
Husbands have no reason to shirk household duties, to help the wife and
train the children, especially when there are no servants to do such work.
Apart from these emotional
and sensual aspects, the couple will have to take care of day-to-day
living conditions, family budget and social obligations.
Thus, mutual consulations
between the husband and wife on all family problems would help to create
an atmosphere of trust and understanding in resolving whatever issues that
may arise.
THE FIVE DUTIES TO BE
PERFORMED BY PARENTS TOWARDS THEIR CHILDREN.
According to the Buddha
there are five duties that should be performed by parents toward their
children.
- The first duty is to
dissuade them from evil: Home is the first school, and parents are the
first teachers. Children usually take their elementary lessons on good and
evil from their parents. Careless parents directly or indirectly impart an
elementary knowledge of lying, cheating, dishonesty, slandering, revenge,
shamelessness and fearlessness towards evil and immoral activities to
their children during childhood. Remember the habit of aping. Parents
should therefore show exemplary conduct and should not transmit such vices
into their children's impressionable mind.
- The second duty is to
persuade them to be good: Parents are the teachers at home; teachers
are the parents in school. Both parents and teachers are equally
responsible for the future and well-being of the children, who become what
they are made into. They are, and they will be, what the adults are. They
sit at the feet of the adults during their im-pressionable age.
They imbibe what is
imparted. They follow in their footsteps. They are influenced in thoughts,
words and deeds. As such it is the duty of the parents to create the most
congenial atmosphere both at home and in the school.
Simplicity, obedience,
co-operation, unity, self-sacrifice, honesty, straightforwardness,
service, self-reliance, contentment, good manners, religious zeal and
other kindred virtues should be inculcated in their juvenile minds by
degrees. Seeds so planted will eventually grow into fruit-laden-trees.
- The third duty is to
give the children a good education:
A decent education is the best legacy that
parents can bestow upon their children. A more valuable treasure there is
not. It is the best blessing that parents could confer on their children.
Education should be
imparted to them, preferably from youth, in a religious atmosphere by
training them to uphold noble human disciplines and humane qualities. This
has a far-reaching effect on their lives.
- The fourth duty is to
see that they are married to suitable individuals: Marriage is a
solemn act that pertains to one's whole lifetime; this union should be one
that cannot be dissolved easily. Hence, marriage has to be viewed from
every angle and in all its aspects to the satisfaction of all parties
concerned before the wedding.
Parents' observations of
their children's life partners is important for their future married life.
While parents must accept modern practices like dating and so on, children
must know clearly that parents have a right to monitor their activities,
know who their friends are. But there must be also a right to privacy and
self respect.
According to Buddhist
culture, duty supersedes right. Let both parties be not adamant, but use
their wise discretion and come to an amicable settlement.
Otherwise, there will be
mutual cursing and other repercussions. More often than not the infection
is transmitted to progeny as well. It is said that in most cases people
who perpetrate abuse of others were themselves the victims of abuse.
- The last duty is to hand
over to them, at the proper time, their inheritance:
Parents not only love and tend their children
as long as they are still in their custody, but also make preparations for
their future comfort and happiness. They acquire treasures through
personal discomfort and ungrudgingly give them as a legacy to their
children.
Parents who bequeath their
wealth do not want their children to squander it but to benefit from the
inheritance so that it will enhance their living standard. In all of this
the bottom line is mutual respect, and concern for the welfare of both
parents and children.
PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES
IN THE UPBRINGING OF THEIR CHILDREN
Parenting is not like any
other 9 to 5 job. It is never ending and there is never enough time to do
everything. No matter how old your baby is, newborn or toddler, it is
never too late to put your baby first and enjoy being a mum or dad.
Many parents think that
they alone know what is best for the children and therefore expect too
much from them. They force their children into tuition classes even if
they can cope with their studies. At the same time they are asked to take
up ballet dancing (in the case of girls), taekwando (in the case of boys),
music lessons, computer classes and so on. On top of this, they insist
that their children obtain straight 'A's in their examinations and excel
in everything else. In this ratrace they turn their children into display
objects; possessions which they can be proud to show off to their friends
and relatives and for others to talk about.
In the good old days life
as a child and a teenager was never stressful because there were not too
many expectations to fulfil. But children these days, especially those in
urban areas, seem to have so many things to do and compete in that they
are deprived of a normal childhood. Many people fail to realise that as
parents, they have certain rights and also responsibilities. The child has
his or her rights and responsibilities too. What we have today are people
who want to be super parents, but in many cases the children do not turn
out to be super. Parents should therefore be realistic and reasonable.
They should not set targets which they well know their children cannot
fulfil, thus avoiding unnecessary stress and disappointment to the family.
Building a happy family is a continuous process.
Hence parents must not
only be fully aware of their role and responsibilities, but also apply
modern techniques in parenting accordingly. Remember the saying of the
Taoist philosopher, Zhuang Zu: 'If you have 6 fingers do not try to make
them 5, and if you have 5 fingers do not try to make them 6. Do not go
against nature.'
You are responsible as a
concerned parent for the well-being and up-bringing of your children. If
the child grows up to be a strong, healthy and useful citizen, it is the
result of your efforts. If the child grows up to be a delinquent, it is
you who must bear the responsibility. Do not blame others. As parents, it
is your bounden duty to guide your child on a proper path. Although there
are a few incorrigible cases of juvenile delinquency, nevertheless as
parents, you are morally responsible for the behaviour of your children.
Parental support and control have to be adjusted as the child grows. The
ultimate goal of parenting is to become a friend to your child but only
according to his capacity to accept responsibility. A mistake some parents
make is that they want to be a friend to their six-year old. But we need
to be careful about what we mean by friend. We certainly do not mean we
treat a child as if he is an equal in maturity. But there must be love,
trust and respect. At that age, a child needs a parent, not a friend.
While building a loving and supportive relationship with the children, it
is recommended that parents help them develop spiritually.
Above all you must have
time for your child. Time to answer his questions, to help him understand
the wonder of life. You have to bear in mind that you are stifling the
creativity in your child when you do not answer the questions that he is
raising. When a child is asking questions, he is indeed seeking to
communicate, so the biggest challenge confronting you is to respond
readily with love, and everything you do should be congruent with the
natural inquisitiveness in a child.
Being spontaneous is also
important in getting children involved in things and the greatest
scientists have been known to be spontaneous. If parents do not know the
answers to questions they must make it a point to find it out for their
children instead of brushing them off and telling them that they are too
busy, or it is not important, thus shutting them up and stifling their
curiosity. You will feel guilty about telling your children during their
most tender and inquisitive age: 'Don't ask so many questions!.' As a
caring and responsible parent you should in fact respond readily to that
natural inquisitiveness in your child.
The scientific way of
solving a problem is to look at the problem, find all the data available
and then put together a solution in a coherent manner. Likewise, a child
whose curiosity meets with a favoured response will learn to think and act
scientifically as well as creatively and it will serve him well into
adulthood.
For instance, when you
give a toy to your child, you should give it with tender love and joy.
Instead, certain parents tend to almost shout: 'Don't open it like that.
Don't break the toy, it is very expensive. Do you know how lucky you are
to get such a toy?' So what if he indeed breaks the toy? If you can afford
to buy the toy, he will quite logically think he can afford to break it.
You could instead be part
of his discovery by telling him: 'Come my dear, let's open the toy box
together,' and use the fun element instead of the negative element. Give
the present with joy and love. It can be done if you are not stressed and
unhappy yourself. You must be happy for it is only in a state of happiness
that one is comfortable and generous.
Parents sometimes are to
be blamed for unwittingly inculcating negative social habits in their
children. For instance, a parent who asks a child to say that he or she is
not in when answering a phone call ( a seemingly innocent act ) plants the
first seed of falsehood in the tender mind of the young. If allowed to
flourish in an environment not conducive to promoting human values, the
child may well, in the future, become a destructive element to the peace,
happiness and well being of family and society, and more importantly to
himself.
Many parents and elders
are today responsible for planting these seeds of falsehood in many
different ways. They either encourage falsehood directly, or by acting or
speaking falsely, initiate and allow the vicious cycle of human value
degradation to develop. The fate of our children may well depend upon the
parents and elders developing a right attitude to moral upbringing truth
and truthful living.
Children echo the language
of their parents. To prevent the use of rude or vulgar words, responsible
parents should use pleasant terms, as children generally tend to imitate
their parents.
A child at its most
impressionable age needs the love, care, affection and attention of the
parents. Without parental love and guidance, the child will be emotionally
handicapped and will find the world a bewildering place to live in.
Showering parental love on the other hand does not mean pandering to all
the demands of the child, reasonable or otherwise. Too much pampering
would in fact spoil the child. The mother in bestowing her love and care,
should also be strict and firm, but not harsh, in handling the child. Show
your love with a disciplined hand - the child will understand.
Parents should spend more
quality time with their children, particularly during their formative
years. They should consider giving their children the gift of healthy
parenting instead of showering them with material presents. This gift
includes building a child's self-esteem, striving for positive
communication, granting unconditional love and eliminating aspects that
hinder the child's psychological development. These are gifts with true,
deeper meaning. Healthy parenting is the greatest gift a child can receive
and a parent can give.
Unfortunately, amongst
present-day parents, parental love is sadly lacking. The mad rush for
material advancement, the liberation movements and the aspiration for
equality among the sexes have all resulted in many mothers joining their
husbands, spending their working hours in offices and shops, rather than
remaining at home and tending to their off-spring. The children, left to
the care of relations, day-care centres or paid servants, are bewildered
on being denied tender motherly love and care.
Providing the child with
all sorts of sophisticated modern toys (as a form of appeasement) such as
tanks, machine guns, pistols, or swords that are detrimental to character
formation is not psychologically advisable. Loading a child with such toys
is no substitute for a mother's tender love and affection. The child as a
result is unwittingly taught to condone aggression and destruction instead
of being taught to be kind, compassionate and helpful. Such a child will
develop brutal tendencies as it grows up. Devoid of parental affection and
guidance, it will not be surprising if the child subsequently grows up to
be a delinquent. Then, who is to be blamed for bringing up such a wayward
child? The parents of course!
The working mother,
especially after a hard day's work in an office, followed by household
chores, can hardly find time for the child that is yearning for her care
and attention. Parents who have no time for their children now should not
complain later in life when these same children have no time for them.
Parents who claim that they spend a lot of money on their children but are
too busy should not complain when in later life their 'busy' children in
turn decide to leave them in Homes for the Aged!
Most women work today so
that the family can enjoy more material benefits. They should seriously
consider Gandhi's advice for men to seek freedom from greed rather than
freedom from need. Of course, given today's economic set-up we cannot deny
that some mothers are forced to work. In such a case, the father and
mother must make extra sacrifices of their time to compensate for what
their children miss when they are away. If both parents spend their
non-working hours at home with their children, there will be greater
harmony and understanding between parents and children. We call this
quality time'. with the family.
Children who are left in
the care of relatives, day care centres or paid servants, as well as latch
key children who are left to their own devices at home, are often deprived
of motherly love and care. The mother, feeling guilty about this lack of
attention, will try to placate the child by giving in to all sorts of
demands. Such action only spoils the child.
Most men devote their
energies and creativity to their work and thus what energy they have
reserved for the family are merely the 'left overs'. Here is where the
argument for quality time comes in, usually from guilty parents who want
to justify whatever time they have left for their children. One of the
flaws of the quality time concept lies in the fact that the needs of the
children and the availability of the parents do not always converge. When
the children need them, they are not around.
Parents are often placed
in a dilemma. Rushing home from a hard day's work, weary parents have
their own family chores waiting for them. When the day's work is done, it
would be time for dinner followed by watching T.V., and whatever time
there is left is hardly enough to attend to a child's rightful dues of
parental love and affection. More importantly, parents are not around to
transmit cultural, social and religious values to their children at times
when children are best attuned to receive them. This cannot be done during
'quality time'.
Some working parents may
even take their work home or even bring back the stress and tension they
gathered from their work place. As a result, they may lose their tempers
at the children.
As husband and wife they
may not have enough time together and this may even lead to broken
marriages. There should be increased awareness that strong family ties can
contribute to the healthy growth of a child.
It can be said that gender
differences do operate in parent/child relationships. It is said that
mothers and their grown-up daughters communicate more often, even after
the daughters are married and have left home.
On the other hand, it is
different for fathers and grown-up sons. They are said to only speak when
absolutely necessary and often about nothing serious. The conversation can
be like a question and answer session.
The father perhaps thinks
the son is a big boy and that he should know his role and duties at home,
towards his parents and outside. But with mothers, it is different -- the
daughter is forever 'my little girl'.
Whatever it is, parents
have an important role to play in bringing up their children and doing it
well if they want to help ease the many ills plaguing our society today.
Good values cannot be taught through words, but through deeds.
Parents must be good
models themselves. The old parental attitude that 'you do whatever father
tells you to do and not what he does,' does not hold water any more.
Parents must be of the right character themselves. If we want our children
to begin life well, with the proper values, we have to start at home.
If things aren't good
between the boys and their fathers, the latter must begin to look for
answers within themselves.
Sacrifices by both parents
are needed. They should make time and try as far as possible to get the
family members involved in all activities pursued, by creating family
oriented activities.
The essence is on setting
their priorities right e.g. a priority oriented towards the family and
marriage, thus creating a closeknit family relationship for a harmonious
environment.
A HAPPY FAMILY
It is true in every
society that a family is the smallest social unit. If every family in a
country is happy, the whole nation will be happy. What constitutes a happy
family? A happy family is defined as one that is stable in terms of
social, economic, psychological and physical aspects of life; and where
there is warm affection and harmony among family members. A family which
can strike a balance between these factors is indeed a happy family.
But when we look around us
at the situation in most parts of the world, what do we see? Children
loitering in the streets and video arcades. They play truant. Children are
abused, wives are beaten and ageing parents are packed off to old folks
homes regardless of their feelings. All these are tell-tale signs that all
is not well at the most basic level of society: these are signs of social
decadence.
It is a sad situation when
good values and traditions are no longer practised. There is little
interaction among members of the family and friends and the sense of
responsibility towards other members of the family is weakening.
Unhappiness in a family may be attributed to poverty, but having material
wealth is no guarantee of happiness either, if it simply breeds
selfishness, cruelty and greed.
A child learns affection
and love from his parents and, together, they make a happy family unit.
Through this microcosm of society, it learns about caring, sharing,
compassion and concern for others. Throughout the ages religion has been
an important force to organize these values into a system that is easily
recognized and taught. Thus family and religion are vital components in
impartirng and nurturing these values.
The family plays an
important role in the development of its members. The best of Asian and
Western cultures teach and practise respect for elders, compassion for the
sick and needy, care for elderly parents and consideration for the young.
Children growing up in
families practising these values will emulate them and act accordingly
towards others. But given the vast technological advances in modern
civilization we are fast losing these values. Something must be done to
bring the family back together and save society.
We must protect and
support family development as an institution in the light of the rapid
demographic and socio-economic changes world-wide. Extended families are
giving way to nuclear families. We can do little to stop this trend but
the values of respect, concern and compassion must be preserved. Good
values, both Eastern and Western, must be maintained despite changes in
lifestyle brought on by modernisation, industrialisation and urbanisation.
The mother is an important
figure in family development. As care, love, tenderness and compassion are
her innate qualities, she imparts these sterling values to her children in
their upbringing. The mother, because of her love, concern, compassion,
patience and tolerance thus holds the family together. Her espousal of
these values may be passed on to her children who are great imitators and
who learn by examples. We must as a group reinstate the traditional
function of the mother, although of course to suit modern needs and
pressures.
Religion too, promotes
good human values. Strong resilient families and the practice of religion
are therefore necessary in the promotion of family development.
It could be said that a
happy family is a group of people living amicably and peacefully together
with emphasis on religion, discipline and parenthood to create a happy
family atmosphere. Values like these should be upheld and religiously
protected so that a family is not influenced by anti-social values and
unacceptable norms.
Realistic and reasonable
parents make for a happy family. And the only way parents can build a
happy family is through the institution of marriage. It worked very well
in the past. It can do so now, provided we make it relevant to the needs
of today's living.
MARRITAL PROBLEMS.
Almost every day, we hear
of people complaining about their marriages. Young people reading romantic
novels and seeing romantic films often conclude that marriage is a bed of
roses. Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as one thinks. Marriage and
marital problems are inter-related and people must remember that when they
get married, they will have to face certain problems and responsibilities
that they never expected or experienced before.
After the euphoria of the
wedding, the realities of living together will set in for the couple, and
for some, the prospects are daunting. Lack of communication or interaction
with members of a family are some of the factors which can be attributed
to an unhappy morriage. A stage will be reached when husband and wife do
not even communicate with each other.
Common examples of
non-communication between husband and wife are: (a) even at the breakfast
table he is deeply engrossed in the newspaper; (b) when he returns from
work he will be engrossed with his hobbies or watches television, and
during weekends goes for golf or indulges in other postimes; (c) he does
not express any feelings or concern for the wife, let alone observing
important anniversaries or birthdays.
The wife on her part,
after getting married, is no longer interested in her figure and general
appearance. She dresses shabbily. As she no longer reads or maintains a
stimulating circle of friends, the husband finds that he can no longer
engage in a stimulating conversation with her. Life then becomes boring
and this leads the husband to resort to drink and seek solace outside the
matrimonial home.
When does discontent first
creep into a marriage? For most couples, the first year is usually a good
year. For some couples, the adjustments of living together as husband and
wife may turn out to be a stressful experience. The arrival of the first
child could also give rise to problems as both man and wife grapple with
the realities of being first-time parents.
Some people say that the
first year after their marriage the husband would listen to his wife. From
the second year the wife would listen to her husband. From the third year
onwards neighbours would listen to both of them when they shout at each
other.
Usually, discontent will
be greater if there is no adequate preparation for marriage. For instance,
pre-marital counselling will help couples prepare for the many surprises,
pleasant or otherwise, that they may discover in the course of their
marriage.
The dissatifaction that is
supposed to hit most men after being married for so many years arises from
a misconception that 'the grass is greener on the other side of the
fence.' This tendency to be attracted to members of the opposite sex
has no age limits. Such restlessness can occur anytime during the
marriage, even for women.
Boredom is the usual
cause, whereas disappointment with the partner is also a common complaint.
When expectations are not fulfilled, pockets of grouses will start to
develop. In any case, when there is no firm commitment to the marriage and
no religious foundation, anything can happen at anytime to jeopardise it.
What are the roots of
discontent? Many wives say that they wish their husbands would listen to
them more, be more attentive to their needs or express their feelings
better. It all boils down to a case of communication which is very much
lacking in most modern marriages. In the past because of their upbringing
women were content to remain in the background and accept any kind of
treatment at the hands of their husbands. But times have changed. Women
are much better educated, hold responsible jobs and knowledgeable of their
rights. Men must accept these realities and treat their wives as equal
partners in a marriage. They can no longer be taken for granted.
For most men, marriage is
a goal which they set for themselves to achieve. Having done so, they will
pour their energies and time into the other most important aspect of their
lives, that is, their career or business.
The expectations of the
woman, on the other hand are totally different. After being married, she
expects more love and intimacy and therefore seeks to spend more time with
her husband.
Bringing one's outside
problems to the home and taking it out on the spouse and children is
damaging to the family's stability and creates a stress spiral.
In Asian societies, the
problem of in-law interference is a common one. This is particularly so if
the in-laws are able to influence the decisions of their child. A common
complaint put forward by wives is that the husbands listen to their
parents instead of to them. The interference of the inlaws in the
upbringing of the children is also a common problem. While the
grand-parents tend to be relaxed with the children and sometimes spoil
them, the conflict of values between generations is often glaring in such
cases.
Some young couples are not
happy to allow their children to have close association with their grand
parents thinking they will learn the old fashioned way of life of their
grand parents.
In India and Sri Lanka and
to a lesser extent even in Malaysia, the dowry system is one of the main
obstacles to a happy union. The dowry could include huge amounts of money,
a bungalow, a luxury car, all of these or even more, depending on how
afluent the parents are. And because parents want desperately to marry
their daughters off, they make promises which they cannot keep and the
marriage starts to crumble.
The dowry system has been
abused. In the old days, a dowry was given to the daughter for safekeeping
in case of an emergency. Then, unlike today, women were totally dependent
on their husbands and the dowry was a kind of insurance in case the
husband became unable to support her.
Later, the dowry was to be
handed over to the in-laws for safekeeping and now it has become
compulsory for the daughter-in-law's parents to present her future in-laws
with the dowry.
People often think that it
is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very impoftant part of
their lives. However, in order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple
has .to harmonise their lives by minimising whatever differences they may
have between them. A couple must also learn to accept each other's
shortcomings and personal weaknesses. Even happy, well-matched couples can
experience conflict, hurt, disappointment and anger. They may recognise
shortcomings in such areas as showing appreciation of each other,
willingness to converse and expressing emotions clearly. Do not shy away
from conflict. Disagreements can lead to marital growth, not distance.
Quarrels are essential for survival in a healthy marriage. But a quarrel
can only be successfully terminated if both parties can forgive and
forget.
Be willing to work at your
marriage. Do not assume that since the first 10 or 20 years were good, the
next 10 or 20 will also be good. Love needs to be fed -- with shared
experiences, joys and sorrows. This requires time, attention, courage and
understanding.
One of the major causes of
marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Both husband and wife should
show implicit trust for one another and try not to have secrets between
them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealousy, jealousy
generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation
or divorce, suicide or even murder.
If a couple can share pain
and pleasure in their day-to-day life, they can console each other and
minimise their grievances. Thus, the wife or husband should not expect to
experience only pleasure in their wedded lives. There will be a lot of
painful, miserable episodes, burdens and misunderstandings. Discussing
mutual problems with one another will give them confidence to resolve any
obstacle that they will have to face. They must have the strong will-power
to reduce tension and develop the confidence to live together with better
understanding and tolerance.
Men and women need the
comfort of each other when facing problems and difficulties. The feeling
of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life will be more meaningful,
happy and interesting if there is someone who is willing to share the
other's burden.
Marital problems prompted
a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful married life if the
marriage is between a blind wife and deaf husband, for the blind wife
cannot see the faults of the husband and a deaf husband cannot hear the
nagging of his wife.
LIVING TOGETHER OUTSIDE
MARRIAGE
Living together before
getting married, or cohabiting as it is more commonly known, is a cosy
option among young people in the West, and is progressively catching on in
.many Asian countries. It is said that about half of the couples in the
United States and Britain would have lived together before marriage. One
can learn about it in the movies and in the papers. In the conservative
East, on the other hand, living together before marriage is still very
much a taboo. The mere mention of the subject is enough to be frowned upon
particularly by the elders. We must add however that as the world is
shrinking so fast many of these values are being adopted in the East as
well, especially in urban areas.
In the United States,
where living together out of wedlock is becoming increasingly acceptable,
one out of three marriages results in divorce.
Tragic cases do occur in
situations where couples live together out of wedlock, for example when
the female partner gets pregnant and the male partner later disclaims
responsibility. This often leads to the problem of unwed mothers.
PROBLEMS OF UNWED MOTHERS
Media reports of unwed
mothers abandoning or discarding their babies at rubbish dumps, bushes or
into toilets, drains and streams are just too dreadful for any caring,
right-thinking member of society to condone. With such reports appearing
almost every other day, the public is alarmed, saddened and have called
for remedial measures to check the growing problem which has reached
alarming proportions.
Some abandoned babies
survive only because they are found in time by garbage collectors,
residents or passers-by, although they had been exposed to such dangers as
stray dogs, rats, ants and the elements of cold/heat. One wonders how
these mothers can abandon their babies, as even animals are known to be
fiercely protective of their offspring. It has to be remembered that not
all babies born out of wedlock are from young girls. Adult women too are
guilty of this terrible practice.
Parents should try to
understand their children. They should ensure that their children will
turn to them whenever they have a problem.
People who abandon their
babies need help. They need counselling. We should not simply blame the
West every time some problems crop up here. No doubt our youngsters are
getting more and more westernised in their thinking, outlook, lifestyle
and actions. Here is where the role of parents comes in.
Some parents are too busy
working that they unintentionally neglect their children. Hence, parents
should spend more time to instil discipline and educate their children on
what is wrong and right.
We need a humane approach
in dealing with the problem of unwed mothers which could start with the
family where parents and children do not communicate well. When it happens
to a daughter, she is afraid of being penalised, of not being accepted by
the family and society as well as the social stigma attached to her; and
she has nobody to turn to for advice or help. She is already paying for
her mistake by shouldering the burden alone. Her parents also do not
accept her and society condemns her and as a result she becomes desperate.
To overcome this problem,
family development efforts must be stepped up where couples will be
trained to be better parents, and young people will be responsible for
themselves through programmes on sex education. Religious bodies and
religious counsellors can greatly assist the government to fight this
terrible social desease.
SEXUAL EXPLOITATION OF
CHILDREN AND CHILD LABOR
Child prostitution is one
of the fastest growing businesses in many countries. Tour agencies and
affluent travellers have brought about this state of affairs to a large
extent.
Sex has become a
multi-billion-dollar industry and today children are being bought, sold
and traded like any other mass product,' deplores Aaron Sachs, a staff
researcher at the Washington - based World Institute.
'At 10, you are a woman.
At 20, you are an old woman. And at 30, you are dead.' Thus goes a popular
saying in certain countries.
In the ever expanding sex
market, child prostitutes are among the hottest commodities. This is
particularly true in Asia, the centre of the child sex industry. The
Progress of Nations 1995 report of the United Nations Children's Fund
(UNICEF) lists Thailand as the third country with the most number of child
prostitutes. About 100,000 children are selling sex in this country. The
record holder is India with 400,000 to 500,000 children. The United States
is second with 300,000. The Philippines is fourth with 60,000.
The number of under 18s
involved in prostitution probably exceeds two million,' the report says.
'Best estimates suggest a figure of one million for Asia alone, and
300,000 for the United States.'
Although most of the child
prostitutes are girls, in many parts of the world even boys are used for
sex.
Rich tourists, according
to an official of the non-government watch group ECPAT (End Child
Prostitution in Asian Tourism), 'have realised that human life is cheaper
in the Third World.'
Why has child prostitution
become popular in recent years? One possible reason is the fear of being
infected by HIV, the virus that causes the dreaded Acquired
Immuno-deficiency Syndrome (AIDS).
Sex tourists think
children are AIDS-free. 'With the growing fear of HIV infection, many
people are always on the search for younger and younger victims, and the
demand unfortunately has been met by the 'ever-eager middleman,' observes
Ramesh Shrestha, a UNICEF official based in Hanoi, Vietnam.
Experts cite poverty as
the reason children are forced into the sex trade. 'Children are attracted
to prostitution because it pays better than odd jobs,' Philippine Senator
Ernesto F. Herrera said in his recent privilege speech. Children of the
streets of Rio, Nairobi, Manila and Bombay often get involved in
prostitution in order to survive and not by choice, a world congress
against sexual exploitation of children observed. The congress has cast a
harsh light on the conditions of poor children around the world, being
forced out in life to find work without any schooling.
In some other countries,
street children are among the first to be recruited into prostitution and
often kept in brothels. Others drift into prostitution on a more casual
basis and not as part of any network. With no family they simply have to
find a way to survive. Social dislocation push these children into a means
of earning a living, which they know is dishonourable but provides a more
comfortable compensation.
In Latin America, street
children come from among the poorest families, often from violent areas,
frequently thrown out by the family, according to Per-Erik Astrom of the
Swedish branch of the 'Save the Children Fund'. He said: 'A child of 15 in
Rio, if he has lived that long, knows everything about survival, owns two
younger sisters and has become a pimp himself!'
A Chilean organisation,
CERSO report: 'Mothers send their children on to the streets to beg
although they know the dangers that the girls may end up as drug addicts
and prostitutes.' For more than 10 years now, Ladawan Wongsriwong, a
two-time Member of Parliament from the northern Thailand province of
Payco, has been fighting against child prostitution, an industry estimated
to be worth US$1.5 billion (RM3.6 billion) annually.
Her crusade against this
social ill involves a four-pronged strategy that includes a campaign to
make people understand the causes, effects and ways to check the problem.
Although people generally
have more understanding of the problem, there are parents who still hang
on to the old idea that prostitution is indeed a good career fetching a
high income for their daughters. We are trying to change all that by also
having training workshops, meetings and seminars with parents as well as
dissemination of information through the mass media', says Ladawan, 40,
who is from Thailand's opposition Democrat Party and President of the
Young Northern Women's Development Foundation.
Ladawan says for the
legislation to work effectively, it is imperative that all countries come
to an agreement and co-operate to consider women and child abuse as a
criminal offence because the child prostitution problem is not only the
making of Thai people alone, as foreigners have a part in it too.
The demand from European
tourists and those from other developed countries for young girls seems
limitless. According to the international children's advocacy group, Terre
Des Hommes, each year tens of thousands of sex tourists from Germany alone
visit Thailand, with about 10% of them engaging in sex with minors. It is
a fact that young girls from poor families, who are deprived of continuing
their education at secondary level, are being lured into prostitution.
It has been reported that
a Swiss business man sexually abused 1500 children in Sri Lanka within a
period of eight years!
There is a growing
industry of commercial sexual exploitation of children for pornographic
purposes. Thailand has the highest record of child trafficking and
juvenile pornography. This accounts for the most profane type of
paedophile material available in illicit video collections containing
scenes of homosexual paedophilic depravity.
The recent discovery of a
gruesome kidnapping and paedophilic ring in Belgium has awakened public
opinion and dramatically illustrated the fact that sexual exploitation of
children is not a problem only in Thailand, Brazil, Bangladesh, India and
Sri Lanka; it exists practically in every country including Europe. The
World Congress against commercial sexual exploitation of children has
initiated co-operation at local, national and international levels to
combat the child sex problem. Considering the level of international
commitments, the World Congress has outlined priorities for the
prevention, protection, rehabilitation and reintegration of child victims
of sexual exploitation.
The term 'child labour' is
defined as the employment of boys and girls when they are too young to
work for hire, or when they are employed at jobs unsuitable or unsafe for
children of their ages or under conditions injurious to their welfare. The
term has had different meanings at various times and in -various
communities, depending on society's concept of its responsibility for its
youth.
In Malaysia, the
employment of children is governed by the provisions of the Children and
Young Persons (Employment) Act 1966, which state that a child, or any
person below 14 years of age, may not be employed except under certain
strict conditions, such as light work suitable for his or her capacity in
any undertaking carried out by the family. Under separate conditions, such
as employment in shops the child must not be less than 16 years old.
The Malaysian Labour
Department has intensified its enforcement activities in the light of
increasing complaints involving illegal child labour, especially during
the school holidays. The illegal employment of children stems primarily
from the acute shortage of labour in the country. The enforcement
activities of the department have been intensified nation-wide through
scheduled inspections as well as surprise raids both during the day and
night.
Child experts at a
regional meeting in Manila said they needed not just more resources for
children's welfare, but also greater involvement of the media in conveying
the plight of Asia's vulnerable children to policymakers.
'Children who are poor,
exploited or forced to work, remind the world that economic growth has not
given them the benefits of prosperity,' said Pratima Kale, Regional
Director of the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) for East Asia and
the Pacific. 'The situations of inequity can and often do lead to anger,
frustration and violence if their basic needs are not met; if their basic
rights are not fulfilled; and if they do not see any hope for the future,'
she said at the start of the Asian Summit on Child Rights and Media.
SEX DEVIATIONS
Sex deviations, sometimes
called sexual aberrations, have concerned mankind almost from earliest
recorded history. It is customary to refer to persons exhibiting what we
could call sexual deviations, or departures from what modern society
agrees to be normal, as sex perverts. Thus many persons, otherwise well
informed in their own minds, have categorised and speak of them casually
as perverts, sexual psychopaths, sex neurotics and so on, often without
understanding very clearly the condition to which they refer. Our social
customs seem to compel society to look upon a sex deviant as one bringing
disgrace to his family.
Sex deviations such as
homosexuality, bisexuality, transvestism have long been taboo subjects
rarely brought up in polite conversation by respectable society. Strange
as it may seem, teenagers today however are far more well-informed and
open minded in their views on this subject.
More often than not, one
associates the word 'homosexual' with effeminate men or men in drag. This
is the stereotypical image of homosexuality that, like most stereotypes,
conveniently obscures its complexity.
The word 'homosexuality'
applies to people who are sexually and emotionally attracted to others of
the same sex. Both men and women can be called 'homosexual' or 'gay', but
these are only umbrella terms under which lie many shades of distinctions.
Broadly speaking,
homosexuals comprise gay men, transvestites (both male and female),
trans-sexuals (female and male) and lesbians.
And to complicate things
further, there is a very fine distinction between the interchangable
terms, 'transvestite' and 'trans-sexual'. As most dictionaries explain it,
a transvestite is a person who dresses in the clothes of the opposite sex,
often deriving gratification from this practice.
On the other hand, a
trans-sexual is (as commonly understood) someone who has decided to live
as a person of the opposite sex. Sometimes, a trans-sexual's
identification with the opposite sex is so strong that he or she goes for
a sex-change operation.
Some people who practise
transvestism may not be gay; they may just enjoy wearing the clothes of
the opposite sex without being sexually attracted to members of the same
sex.
A gay is attracted to men
of his own kind- gays, and not 'straight' men. When asked why a normal
looking man would fall in love with another, he would say that there is
nothing abnormal about him. Most people however find it difficult to
accept gays as normal people.
Transvestites and
trans-sexuals, on the other hand, consider themselves, and are considered
by the gay community, as women. They generally feel that they are women
trapped in male bodies. And as women, they are attracted to straight men,
and not to gay man.
The world is indeed very
much a lonely and hostile place for transvestites and trans-sexuals. It is
difficult for them to have meaningful relationships as very few straight
men are willing to face the social stigma and emotional hassles that come
with having a transvertite partner.
What causes a person to be
gay? According to some researchers, sexual and emotional attraction for a
partner of the same sex may be a genetic trait, although social factors
and upbringing are also thought to play a role. Homosexuality is not a
medical or psychiatric disorder, although regarded as abnormal by many.
Homosexuality was removed from the list of mental disorders in the early
1970s when it was obvious that homosexuals are as psychologically
welladjusted as heterosexuals are. They have the same capacity to function
in society, to achieve goals, to have their needs met, and to develop a
sense of identity.
However, transvestism is
considered a mental disorder, as transvestites have the feeling of being
trapped in a man's body, causing a lot of inner turmoil, whereas gay men
are totally comfortable with their maleness.
Although homosexuals may
have accepted their sexual orientation, society may not be ready to accept
them. They may be prepared to share their thoughts and feelings with
family members and close friends, but not so in public. A homosexual
person may go through several stages before coming to terms with himself
or herself. They probably can't do anything about their 'condition', and
we should not contribute to the prevailing social pressure that forces
many of them to hide their true selves in the closet. From the Buddhist
point of view this kind of sexual act can be regarded as sexual misconduct
to those who try to renounce sensual pleasure in order to lead a holy
life. For others this can be regarded as sex abuse.
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Update: 01-01-2003
