On Marriage and Related Topics
Lama Thubten Yeshe gave this
teaching in Brisbane, Australia, in April, 1975. Edited by Nicholas
Ribush.
These days, one of the main reasons that a man and a woman become
friends is sexual. They get together for sexual pleasure. In earlier
times, marriage had a divine quality—a couple came together out of
respect, with the aim of creating a kind of totality. That gave meaning
to getting married, and marriages made with such purpose became good
ones.
Many of today’s marriages become disastrous because they lack
purpose; there’s no worthwhile goal for coming together. A couple should
not come together out of grasping at each other; there should be more
meaning to it than that. But our craving desire and lack of wisdom work
together to create an extreme situation that finishes up causing
conflict: the woman agitates her man; the man agitates his woman—in
either case, it ends in “goodbye.”
These days, I travel the entire world and many young people come to
see me to discuss their relationship problems, but they all boil down to
people’s coming together out of the wrong motivation. Whether you’re a
man or a woman, it’s important that there’s not too much grasping in
your relationship, that you don’t agitate your partner. Extreme grasping
at sexual pleasure is a problem; sexual pleasure is an irritant. You can
see.
However, many couples aren’t together for the sex. Their relationship
is deeper than that, so their attitude is different. They are very
comfortable, free, somehow, with no tremendous expectations of each
other. Therefore, they have a good relationship. I’m sure you’ve seen
examples of such couples, where there’s not much grasping.
In my limited experience of the Western world, many Christians, who
believe in God, have very respectful marriages. They believe in
something deeper than themselves and are not living for sense pleasure
alone. I would say that such couples have been blessed by God or Jesus.
Of course, many people these days believe that Coca-Cola is better
than God. “What’s the point of religion?” they ask; “Coca-Cola is more
refreshing than God or the Bible.” This is their problem. What to do?
I’m joking!
The next day:
Thousands of people the world over get married every day out of
craving for sexual pleasure. Others get married principally for
reputation: “He’s world famous; he’s great.” Still others marry for
wealth or power. Those are all wrong motivations for marriage. The
purpose of marriage should be to avoid extremes and gain balance in your
life. However, it often turns out the complete opposite.
These days, perhaps as many people get divorced as get married. Don’t
think divorce is easy. Psychologically, divorce can be hell. It’s not a
simple as “OK, bye-bye,” and it’s over. It’s not like that. First
there’s a huge build-up of psychological pressure and when it releases
it’s like falling into hell. So, sentient beings are suffering like
this.
We criticize modern society for such ills, but it’s not society’s
fault. There’s nothing wrong with society—it’s our mental attitude
that’s mistaken. We create all kinds of fantasies, grasp at sense
pleasure and everything finishes in disaster.
Buddhism explains that we circle from one life to another because of
craving desire and that we can put an end to cyclic existence, to
rebirth in samsara, by abandoning desire. Craving is what makes the
wheel of life go round and it’s our own clinging that binds us to it;
nobody else makes us cycle from one suffering life to another.
The twentieth century example of this is those ladies and gentlemen
who get married, experience problems, grasp at another person, then at
another, and another…maybe they cycle through four or five marriages in
a single lifetime. Some people have hundreds of lovers in their life.
Why can’t they stop? Why do they keep on grasping? There’s nobody
driving them to do this; they drive themselves. They hang on
continuously; non-stop. Desire is fickle in nature. Freud tried to
explain sex as the basis of most human problems. Buddhism disagrees. The
main human problem lies much deeper than that.
At a course on mind and mental factors, Istituto Lama Tzong Khapa,
Italy, 1978
*****
Question: Lama, is it possible to teach married people on the
spiritual path some form of modified tantric practice to help deepen
their spiritual and sexual relationship?
Lama: Yes, it’s possible. But as the texts explain, you have to
approach these things gradually. Still, if married people study
properly, they can learn the great significance of tantric practice,
have a good relationship and, in a simple way, experience some kind of
unity.
However, I can’t be specific about this because it depends greatly on
the level of development of the individuals involved. It’s similar with
people who want to be celibate: just because you’re intellectually ready
for a certain type of practice, the scientific reality—what Buddhists
call the interdependent origination of it—may be against it; the
physical nervous system, which comes from the mind, may not be ready. In
such cases, the nervous system can crack under the strain.
Therefore, whatever practice you’re trying to achieve, you need to go
slowly, slowly and develop yourself organically. It’s not something that
depends only on ideas. If you take it gradually, any practice can become
easy. You should not push or squeeze yourself. If you pump yourself too
hard, you run out of space, freak out and go crazy.
Question: Some people take teachings and then decide to live on the
world and practice Dharma without becoming a monk or nun. Is it easy to
integrate worldly responsibilities with spiritual practice?
Lama: That, too, depends on the individual. For some people it’s
beautiful experience. They get married, the marriage is good, they try
to help and share with each other. I think that’s beautiful; such
couples are also a good example to others.
Many of my married students were experiencing unbelievable suffering
and conflict when I met them. All I could do was to try to help them be
happy and have as good a relationship as possible. But, sometimes the
circumstances are against it. Basically, both people are unhappy; they
have much conflict and many problems within their marriage. I think this
is common. It’s not just confined to my students. Many Western people
experience this. I think the grasping, sexual relationship is one of the
greatest problems Western people face, whether they are religious
practitioners or not.
However, some people understand each other and try to live with
loving kindness, but that’s really up to the individual. Some people can
lead a beautiful married life; others can’t. It really depends on the
individual’s needs at the time.
From an interview with a Catholic theologian, Kopan Monastery,
Nepal, 1977
*****
Question: Lama, many people have problems with their marriage. Do you
have anything to say about this?
Lama: Do I have anything to say? Yes! They don’t understand each
other. They lack good communication. That creates many problems. Many
people, especially young ones, marry for very superficial reasons: “I
like him; let’s get married; I like her, let’s get married.” There’s not
much thought given to how they’re going to spend their life together or
much analysis of each other’s personality. People are too influenced by
external appearance; true beauty lies within. People’s faces and
behavior are constantly changing; you can’t rely on them.
Because we lack the knowledge wisdom to understand each other’s
inner, human qualities, we easily disrespect our partner. When things
don’t work out as planned, when our partner no longer appears
attractive, our marriage fails. That’s because it was built one hundred
percent on ego; it was totally an ego-based relationship. No wonder it
didn’t work.
A marriage built on mutual understanding, good communication and
sincere efforts to help each other has a much better chance of lasting.
Mental communication is much better than physical. That is very
important. Superficial relationships, those based on mainly external
factors, never last.
Let’s say a couple buys a new piece of furniture. The husband says,
“Put it here,” the wife says, “No, put it there,” and a huge fight
ensues. Here, there, what difference does it make? It’s foolish and
narrow-minded, but that’s how things go.
At a public talk in Los Angeles, 1975
*****
Question: Lama, what do you think about marriage?
Lama: Marriage is good; because of marriage, you and I exist on
Earth. Without marriage most of us wouldn’t exist. I have some Christian
friends I like and respect very much. Many Christian couples have a good
relationship because they keep love of God in their heart. I’ve also
heard they have the attitude that sex is for reproduction, not for
pleasure. I think that’s a very good idea.
Question: What about contraception?
Lama: I’m not going to talk about the Buddhist point of view; I’m
going to talk about this monk’s point of view. I have to be careful.
However, my observation of the Western world is that contraception is a
very good thing because many young people are not ready to have children
and when they do, instead of growing, they go crazy. I have students
like this. They are young, super-intelligent and well educated, but as
soon as they have babies they become unbelievably miserable. I’ve seen
intelligent, worldly-wise girls suddenly become terrible, with no
capability, no happiness, and no love for their man; they hate
everything. It’s incredible. If those girls hadn’t had babies, over
time, they could have become incredibly spiritually developed.
Parenthood brings with it many societal obligations; having a baby is
a big responsibility. So, for those who cannot control their desire for
sexual pleasure, contraception is essential. Also, if you can prevent an
unwanted pregnancy from occurring, you eliminate the possibility of
having to consider killing the fetus by abortion. Buddhism explains that
for a sentient being to come from the intermediate state into a human
rebirth the mother’s womb should be healthy and unobstructed. In other
words, the conditions should be perfect. If you interrupt the conditions
through contraception, it’s OK. It’s certainly better than madness. This
is my own observation; I hope it doesn’t upset anybody.
Question: Well, Lama, what about abortion?
Lama: For Buddhists, abortion is difficult. It’s a question of
morality, or ethics. But still, it’s a relative question. Let’s say that
you don’t have an abortion and that the next twenty years of your life
are miserable. And even more misery comes from that. Yet you think
nothing of killing fish and small animals. Relatively, which is worse?
Good and bad are relative; good karma and bad karma are relative. I’m
not making any statement here; it’s just something for you to think
about.
At a course on death and rebirth,
London, 1981
Venerable Lama Thubten Yeshe
1935-1984
"Most
of the time our grasping at and craving for worldly pleasure does
not give us satisfaction. It leads to more dissatisfaction and to
psychologically crazier reactions."
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Lama Thubten Yeshe was born in Tibet in 1935. At the age
of six, he entered Sera Monastic University in Tibet
where he studied until 1959, when as Lama Yeshe himself
has said, "In that year the Chinese kindly told us that
it was time to leave Tibet and meet the outside world."
Lama Thubten Yeshe and Lama Thubten Zopa Rinpoche,
together as teacher and disciple since their exile in
India, met their first Western students in 1965. By 1971
they settled at Kopan, a small hamlet near Kathmandu in
Nepal. In 1974, the Lamas began touring and teaching in
the West, which would eventually result in The
Foundation for the Preservation of the Mahayana
Tradition. Lama Yeshe died in 1984, his reincarnation
Lama Tenzin Ösel Rinpoche was born to Spanish parents in
1985.
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Source:
http://www.fpmt.org
