Balancing Buddha Dhamma
with family life
Written by John. D. Hughes, Vincenzo
Cavuoto, Lainie Smallwood, Lisa Nelson and
Evelin Halls.
We will illustrate the priorities of a Buddha
Dhamma practitioner in contrast to the norms of
the four common forms of Australian culture
towards family life. There is no pure one
culture but rather high-bred mixtures in a range
from total denial of any family responsibility
or obligation to obsessive clinging to the
family unit as the one and only refuge that
matters. Both these extremes cause considerable
emotional suffering over as many as four
generations of family members that could involve
a hundred or more persons.
Even in a nuclear family with one or two
children it is becoming apparent that the birth
rate is falling.
Just because you are working hard does not mean
you are doing the right things. It is more
important to be doing the right things - than to
be doing things right.
One day, the king of Kukkutavati, Maha Kappina,
was out in the park with several ministers.
While in the park, they met some merchants from
Savatthi. From these merchants they heard about
the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha, and the
king and his ministers decided to leave for
Savatthi.
The Buddha saw in his visions Maha Kappina and
the ministers and knew that they were ready to
attain Arahanthood. When the king and his
ministers were approaching the Buddha they saw
the Buddha with six-colored rays radiating from
his body and paid homage. On hearing a discourse
delivered by the Buddha, king Maha Kappina and
his ministers realised the Dhamma and joined the
Holy Order.
Queen Anoja, wife of the king, heard about the
king and the ministers setting out for Savatthi
and, together with the ministers’ wives,
followed them to Savatthi. On the way to
Savatthi they saw the Buddha surrounded by a
halo of six colors and paid homage to him.
However, the Buddha had made the king and his
ministers invisible with his supernormal powers,
because if the women were to see their husbands
in yellow robes and shaven heads, it would have
upset the wives and would have deterred them
from realising the Dhamma.
The Buddha promised the women that they could
see their husbands, which made them very happy.
Then the Buddha taught the queen and the
ministers’ wives and they reached the first
stage of Sainthood. The king and the ministers
attained Arahanthood. Immediately after the
wives’ attainments they were able to see their
former husbands as bhikkhus.
Following these events the wives entered the
Order of bhikkhunis and soon attained Sainthood.
(Dhammapada).
The Buddha made the husbands invisible to the
wives as otherwise their attachment to family
would have hindered their opportunity to be
taught the Dhamma.
This teaching was given by the Buddha 2500 years
ago and is pertinent today. Being born to a
Australian family denotes some form of
attachment to parents and siblings. We
inherently adopt our family’s culture which can
create circumstances where it is difficult to
learn Buddha Dhamma.
To balance family life and the Dhamma, the
Dhamma should be given priority. As long as the
attachment to family is dominant, this
attachment has the capacity to stop persons from
learning Buddha Dhamma. Nevertheless, this does
not mean we abandon helping our family.
In the Buddha’s sermon on What is True
Blessedness, titled the Mangala Sutta, the Lord
Buddha stated that ‘to wait on father and
mother, to cherish wife and child, to follow a
peaceful calling; this is true blessedness'.
Childbirth is a major event and denotes
religious significance in most cultures.
Conceiving a child can secure the emotional
contentment and security of a parent.
A few of our Members have young families and
learn to involve their children in various
activities at our Centre. If the poorly educated
grandparents follow another religion beyond mere
lip service, they may express a dislike of the
direction their sons and daughters take by their
attendance at our Centre. If they do not follow
another religion, they may still express dislike
which often stems from ignorance or fear of
losing control of their children.
The detailed methods given by Buddha on the
tolerance of how to treat parents of different
religious belief is well taught at our Centre.
The net result of even a few months of Dhamma
practice shows an obvious improvement of the
mental health and educational level aspiration
of practitioners. The tolerant behaviour towards
their parents view on religion causes the
grandparents to pause in their unthinking attack
on what they do not know. The grandparents agree
to not stress religious differences over time
because they approve of the level of courtesy
they are shown by their children and
grandchildren.
It may be that in their childhood they were
taught by their parents who could have been the
parochial kind of Australian person that
slandered other religions as an act of misplaced
faith. Such persons experience difficulty in
accepting the sight of Buddha Dhamma followers
and fail to see that interfaith services are not
uncommon in Australia.
When family culture has no tolerance for other
citizen’s religious beliefs troubles arise in
the short term. Consider the two Christian
religions used to promote conflict in Ireland
and elsewhere.
We do not see ourselves wanting to hinder the
ability to balance Buddha Dhamma practice with
multifaith family life.
Most of our Members have been raised in a
non-Buddhist family culture because of their
past causes. If people understood the "Law of
Karma" cause and effect, which the Buddha taught
they would make the necessary causes to be born
in a family culture conducive to Buddha Dhamma.
At our Centre persons have the opportunity to
make the necessary causes to be born in a family
culture that enables the practice of Buddha
Dhamma in future lives.
The Buddha’s teachings provide ethical
guidelines towards the function of family life.
The average person’s common sense version of
being kind, caring and considerate to family
members is not correct in most cases to help us
to create a more harmonious community
environment.
For example, we ought to think twice if we plan
to pay for a holiday of any sort for our
children or parents where the children are
allowed to be foolish by lazing around with
foolish friends and attempting to learn nothing.
To fund an overseas or local holiday in the long
vacation at University or other tertiary
learning establishments may not be the best
thing for the mind.
Norman Mackenzie in May 1961 wrote a paper for
the New Statesman detailing how students in the
UK spent their long vacation. The sample size
was 500 students from 9 universities.
The students interviewed were drawn from all
social classes. More than 90% of the students
had some sort of award. The first point was to
establish how many students worked during the
long vacation. (work at Christmas and Easter was
excluded).
77% of all students worked.
23% did not have paid work.
84% planned to work in the coming vacation.
17% did not plan to work.
What type of work did the students do?
The range of jobs was diverse, ranging from
general labouring, farm, and factory work, to
employment in offices and shops. Several sold
ice-cream or drove lorries. Many girls worked as
waitresses; men worked as waiters, orderlies and
batmen at army camps.
Those taking scientific, technical or foreign
language courses found it easier to get jobs
which related to their academic interests. In
certain cases, they were required to do this as
part of their studies.
The average length of employment was 7 weeks and
23 % worked a minimum of 10 weeks.
For those employed 73% liked their employment
and 27% disliked their employment.
There was some interesting points. It is a fair
conclusion that if grants were increased many
students would continue to work.
A Leicester girl said: "Every student should be
compelled to take up some form of work of
practical work for a limited time" ...."this
would raise the social status of students and
help liquidate the rumour that students are just
parasites on society".
"How can any self-respecting student" asked
another "expect her parents to support her for
14 weeks?".
An Oxford undergraduate observed: " A change of
reorientation to normal life after a long
exercise in social and intellectual snobbery".
Teaching persons to develop ways of being lazy
and idle and wasting their leisure time is not
any sort of highest blessing.
The correct view is that even if a fool
associates with a wise person all his or her
life, he or she does not anymore perceive the
truth than a spoon perceives the flavour of the
soup.
But if even for a moment an intelligent person
associates with a wise person, he or she
perceives the truth as the tongue perceives the
flavour of the soup.
To waken up persons, we do not tell them they
are too young or too old to help others who can
learn. This is ageism.
But, like it or not like it, it is true that
some persons have wasted this life
systematically by doing the things that destroy
their chances of learning.
For learning to occur, viriya is needed. The
Pali word Viriya is popularly translated as
vigour and energy.
There is always some difference or compromise
between the popular meaning of words and that of
the meaning in a true Dictionary, which is
largely concerned with derivations and synonyms,
and an Encyclopaedia, which sets out a few terms
at considerable length.
When we think of the profile of our average
listener’s range of vocabulary, we have to stay
within the "popular" use of words. For a person
to meet with Dhamma the language must suit their
knowledge and mind.
At the same time, we issue cautions from time to
time that there are levels of meaning that
persons born overseas and educated in Buddhist
terminology would grasp because certain words
are unique in range, depth and complexity.
Ordinary persons in Australia are not expert in
all of these meanings.
Our difficulty of compressing 84 000 terms which
are current in key Western translations of
Buddhist literature into a radio script working
vocabulary of perhaps 50, 000 words is therefore
obvious.
It follows that the listeners deserve some help
to bring them to the mental map in which the
terms described had their place and meaning.
In the field of Buddha Dhamma, the component
parts of the whole are partly visible and
objective, and partly invisible because
subjective.
The following may help get to a sketch map of
the relationship of family to Dhamma.
Those who can hold their mind steady enough to
remember the birth process come to recognise
that human life is suffering. No matter how big
your family’s desire is to deny suffering, it
will not change the fact that this is so.
Your family cannot be born for you.
The suffering, large dukkha or small dukkha,
comes from past causes and has to be born by
your mind, your feelings.
Because life has this dukkha, the same applies
to sickness, old age pains and death.
Your family cannot help you other than to tell
you to bear up under such dukkha.
Reflection in such a manner makes you know that
your family cannot prevent the life processes of
going from womb to tomb occurring.
When reason appears, we understand why we ought
not bind ourselves tightly in family
relationships or go to an extreme view that our
family is our refuge.
Since our family is not suitable as our refuge,
we must free our minds of family clinging if we
can understand the way out of suffering.
All Buddhist schools agree that sooner or later
meditation (Bhavana) must be done.
Our family cannot do this for us, nor can they
teach us the path out of suffering.
We must become rational, practical minded, and
cool to plan the time away from our family for
some time to practice.
We must plan ahead for a year or so to get even
five days of few duties for this purpose. This
is why we serve, or help, or fund others to make
causes for their retreat. If we do not do this,
we will never come to our time to practice a
retreat.
The Shorter Oxford English Dictionary defines a
retreat as, ' A period of seclusion or
retirement from one's ordinary occupations
devoted to religious exercise'.
Bhikkhu Piyananda says, that many people are
searching, they are searching, but they are not
finding. Some do not even know what they are
searching for, on the other hand, some know they
are searching for some kind of inner peace and
harmony. They have found worries.
They have found so much confusion and
disturbances. They found more
unsatisfactoriness. But they have not found the
peace and harmony within. Most people are
adopting the wrong methods to find peace and
harmony: they are looking outside themselves
into the external world as the source of their
troubles, worries and problems.
They look to the solution of their problems in
their family, job, partner, friends, etc. They
believe that if they can only change the
external conditions in their environment, they
can become peaceful and happy.
The external conditions change, but they do not
become peaceful and happy.
And now so many people are turning their
attention to the real source of their happiness
and their troubles: the mind. To turn persons
attention to the mind is to come to meditation
(Bhavana).
Louis van Loon says: "Although the Buddha had
nothing specific to say about the size,
composition or limitation of the family unit, he
had some definite advice to give on the time and
quality of the relationship that should be
fostered within the members of the family.
The Buddha considered the family environment a
most precious circumstance and opportunity for
spiritual growth, second only to becoming a Monk
or Nun.
To be born in a certain family results from a
special type of Kamma. A Kammic relationship
therefore exists between the parents and their
child even before the moment of conception. This
Kammic link intensifies from the moment of birth
and expresses itself in the relationship that
parents and children establish between
themselves and the family unit.
The parent-child relationship is the basis of
human society. From it flow all the other types
of interpersonal and community associations. In
the well known Sigalovada Sutta these
relationships are considered of extending in all
'directions'. To the East one's parents and to
the West one's wife (or husband) and children.
The emotional-psychological need for children
is, as a rule, basic to the life of the family
man and women. The desire to get married is
virtually synonymous with the wish to have
children of one's own - at least until the
relatively modern stage of individualism is
reached when cohabitation no longer involves
either or wedlock or procreation. The religious
'needs' surrounding childbirth are of a
different nature.
The function of religion should, in principle,
be able to provide family members with a set of
moral guidelines which would enable them to face
life difficulties and cultural transitions
without falling apart.
In Buddha Dhamma great stress is placed on
generating quality in family relationships. The
consequence of this is the creation of quality
within the community. Great emphasis is placed
on a child's education by the parents in a
Buddhists family.
Family & Kinship (Encyclopedia Britannica)
"Family and kinship (relationship by descent;
consanguinity or blood relationship, according
to the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary) play
an important part in all human societies, both
in the regulation of behaviour between persons
and in the formation of social, political, and
territorial groups.
Kinship tends to be of more pervasive importance
in the traditional and especially in tribal
societies, in which it exerts far-reaching
influence on the social and economic life of the
community.
In industrial societies the domestic family
remains the chief institution based on kinship,
but the form and function of the family has
varied over time and among different societies,
and continues to evolve in response to societal
changes and pressures.
Modern research has revealed the nature of the
biological continuity between an individual and
his or hers genetic parents. But kinship, as a
set of social relations, does not depend on
knowledge of genetics or physiology.
Indeed, some societies with elaborate kinship
systems have held beliefs about the development
of the human fetus that in no way approximate to
the actualities of conception and gestation.
Genetic mechanisms are uniform for all
humankind, but human groups differ widely in the
significance they attach to kinship.
All cultures recognise that the human fetus is
born from the womb of its mother, on whom it
depends for survival. There is thus, a
physically based and culturally defined
relationship between mother and child.
Likewise, all cultures distinguish between male
and female individuals and institutionalise, in
varying forms, a second relationship: that
between a man and a woman who copulate in some
acceptable way. This relationship is described,
in English, as "marriage".
There are vast differences between cultures in
the customary entailments of these two
relationships- mother and child, man and woman-
and in how they generate other separately
identified relationships such as, in English,
father, sibling, mother-in-law, or cousin.
The study of kinship began with the recognition,
from at least classical times, that the names
for kin relations in one language cannot always
be translated accurately, on a one-to-one basis
into the kin terms of another language.
It was stimulated by the discovery of an
American ethnologist in 1858, that two Indian
languages, Iroquois and Ojibwa, although
apparently unrelated, nevertheless possessed
common patterns of kin terms so that one-to-one
translation was possible.
Yet there is more to the study of kinship than
the investigation of patterns of names for kin
relations. For such study embraces the
investigation of;
(1) The way in which individuals enter into and
leave kin relationships;
(2) How they use them in private and public
life;
(3) How kin relations are made to define social
groups and categories;
(4) What connection kinship has with other sets
of relations between individuals and groups
based on political, residential, religious, and
other non kin criteria;
(5) How copulation and birth are associated with
kin relationship;
(6) How ideas about the development of the human
embryo, the acquisition of personal
characteristics, the fate of the "soul" after
death, and other matters may be linked in any
culture with a pattern of kin relation; and
(7) What explanations can be given for the
genesis, development, maintenance and decay of
these various beliefs and practice."
Encyclopedia Britannica.
Conflicts arise in families due to numerous
factors and each family has their own mechanism
for dealing with such conflicts.
One reason for such a family conflict would be
the accelerated cultural change a Buddhist
practitioner is subject to when he or she
decides to take the Buddha Dharma Path on
earnest, while other family members regard such
a Path outside their cultural stream.
The visible changes in the Buddhist
practitioners' behaviour may or may not have the
effect of inspiring other family members, to
investigate more closely the Buddha's Teachings.
Whether family members like it or not like it,
the minds of the practitioner have a wholesome
influence on a family mental environment due to
keeping five precepts of the Buddhist ethical
system. (The five precepts are abstaining from
killing, from stealing, from sexual misconduct,
from lying and from alcohol and drugs).
Socialising young children for the first four
years of their life and forcing them to share
basic family values is the self-imposed task of
the mother, father and relatives. For example,
one of our Members knows of a case where a
fourteen year old woman gave birth to a boy nine
years ago.
The boy was subject to two mothers because the
biological mother reared the child in the same
residence as her own mother. The kamma of this
child was related very strongly to both women
and was bought up with dual mothering and
multiple males who acted for short periods of
time in a fatherly role.
What are the consequences of this type of kamma?
Because of lack of consistency in mother /
father instructions of what is right in family
relation and the two mothers competing for power
over the child’s culture, it should not be
surprising that the child is confused about what
is the correct view of relating to adults.
The main influence on a child is what they did
in past lives. Any such patterning opens up
possibilities - regions of concern that prompt
responses, through which human beings may come
to understand themselves in their actually lived
situatedness. Therefore, the facticity of a
formal gestalt, as a holistic process, cannot be
reduced to nor confused with any static essence.
Facticity implies that the pervasive and
inherent intelligence of Being, becomes
patterned as the mystery of being human in its
most profound sense. So, there are other factors
operating apart from the two mothers and the
multiple male surrogate fathers.
In conventional non-Buddhistic terms, we say
when children are young their main influence is
their parents. In conventional non-Buddhistic
terms, we say they are indoctrinated into their
parents culture. In Buddhistic terms, we say the
main influence of the child’s value set is their
past kamma. In Buddhistic terms, we say nobody
can indoctrinate anybody without their consent.
This is why some great children arise from
poorly integrated parents and why some not so
great children arise from what appears to be
well integrated parents.
Prince Siddhattha, who later became the Buddha
was born, an ascetic of high spiritual
attainment named, Asita told his Father King
Suddhodana that his son would become a Universal
Monarch or a Buddha.
Prince Siddhattha left his family at the palace,
renouncing all his worldly possessions and led a
life of poverty to search for the truth. He
later became the Buddha.
With a basis of cultivated wholesome Cetasikas,
the students' wisdom increases enabling them to
practise Dana and Sila actions with greater
understanding, energy and precision. As a
consequence, the students display ever
increasing friendliness towards their mothers,
fathers, brothers, sisters and family friends.
Their relatives, seeing the improvements in the
students' attitudes and circumstances, in
gratitude develop warm feelings towards this
Centre and its Members. This is the way we build
Buddhist families in this country.
The re-creation of family amity, although
praiseworthy, is not our primary objective. We
never lose sight of' our primary objective which
has been from our inception to encourage the
study, practice and realisation of Buddha
Dhamma.
The study of Buddha Dhamma has been promoted in
various ways by this Centre. The provision of a
multilingual Buddhist reference library and
Buddhist archives collection is accessible and
for use at a nominal cost.
It is not our intention to devote much space to
the issues that stand in the way of a change of
consensus. But to point out that we believe
excellence is necessary in order to preserve our
way of life and that the pursuit of excellence
may incorporate values arrived at from religion.
It is not the religion itself that is to be
promoted but an increased awareness that the
criteria for sane living should embody religious
traditional values expressed in terms of good
behaviour,
Although it may be theoretically argued that
social, cultural and economic development policy
can occur within a set of standards, this is not
supported by religious experience. The facts are
that without the energies arising from religious
practice these cannot be sustained.
We have used the term energies, since Buddhism
does not accept the notion that human affairs
are determined by a creator god but rather are
determined by the conditioning effects of the
physical environment, the physiological
condition of body, the social environment, one’s
own present actions and kamma or by way of any
combination of these.
Without elaborating we might say that a factor
in the instability of families in Australia
arises from not keeping the precept of not
committing adultery and it would appear from
recent changes in Family Law legislation that
there is a consensus that adultery is accepted
even though the act of adultery conditions
consciousness resulting in anguish and
consequent family unit dissolution.
We assume we will go through a life process
where we might become educated and attain a good
job to support our family and still have the
leisure time to read and practice Buddha Dhamma
in later years.
In ancient China, scholars could sit the
Government exams to be an administrator.
Of those who sat in any province, only 2%
passed.
These then went to the national capital to sit
the final grading exams.
Of these only 50% passed to acceptance to
Government positions.
It should come as no surprise that, in ancient
times, the Chinese Government service was
staffed with an elite of superior skills.
But the mass of persons never started to study.
They were so hard at work they had no time for
anything else. Taxes were paid in grain they
grew - about one twentieth of their total grain.
The Government stores held the grain to
distribute in times of famine.
Slaves were available to help the farmer. These
were criminals or captured enemies.
In ancient China, the average life expectancy of
a farmer citizen was 26 years. This low figure
was a function of 80% of the population.
Total population figures from the census tends
to give a wrong picture of the population in
absolute figures.
In the Han Dynasty in the year 156 the
population was given as 56, 487. 000.
In the Sung in the year 1102 it was 43,822,000.
in the Ming in the year of 1578 it was 60,
693,000.
Population estimates were closely related to the
number of taxable cultivators.
This did not include the whole population.
Chen Ta has suggested the Chinese population may
have reached 150 million by the end of the Ming
dynasty, considering the extent of new land
under cultivation.
It seems likely that if you were not in the
census your living standard was most likely near
famine.
Yet, in spite of all this misery the official
view of Confucius was to revere the family and
the ancestors. At lot of this misplaced value of
placing family values too high is found in our
culture today.
Buddha Dhamma never makes you family a refuge.
For those who put the family name as number one,
there can only be a mass of suffering to follow
as they get sick and die in great suffering as
they reach old age body symptoms and death at
the young age of 26 years.
It is easy to see why Buddha Dhamma refuge that
explains the truth of suffering and of how to
make merit passing over death found such a
strong following in ancient China.
When you realise the truth of suffering is so
real, it cannot be not masked by the false
values of putting your family on a false
pedestal as your refuge, you are ready to begin
the practice of Buddha Dhamma where you
understand it is sane to help others in
suffering not just you own family.
We raise money to help many families in many
countries and help this week welcomed Monks at
our Centre who were born in Sri Lanka, Cambodia,
Laos and Vietnam.
These Monks are someone’s children. We help
their living family in their countries by
treating them as more precious than our own
children and helping them to achieve respect in
this land Australia far from their own country.
One of our Members serves the Sangha well
because she is learning to speak the Cambodian
language and teach several Cambodian Monks
English language.
Just as parents who can speak teach their
children to speak, so, our Members, too, have
taught many Monks and Nuns to speak our English
language.
But, this happens because our Members raise
money and are wise enough to spend time away
from our own children to do such a Noble work.
If our Members were so selfish and foolish, we
decided we could only spend our time serving our
own family, it would be evident that Buddha
Dhamma Teaching would vanish from our Centre.
The concept of adding value is about creating a
physical change for the end user and doings
things right the first time.
Our Teacher created the causes in the past for
our Centre to develop an e-culture today.
When we consider ancient history in China, we
see, by merit from past lives, that the total
population was divided into two categories - the
dominant group was the masses the other
comprised of scholars, gentry, officials,
merchants and militarists.
Among the masses who had not made much merit in
former lives because they spent too much time
attending to their family and did not enter
public life, we find peasants, artisans and base
groups like servants, actors and prostitutes.
Once again, these poor persons spent a miserable
life focused on the narrow view of their own
family.
When famine came they sold their daughters to
the brothel owner.
In conventional terms, we say the underpinnings
of this division were power, wealth and
literacy.
But in Dhamma terms, we know that the great
persons are those who built libraries, attended
to many and helped fund orphanages in other
countries as we do.
Causes for public service exist for us by
putting on line a new multimedia website to help
other families. Our Member who drove this
project to launch is a mother of two young boys.
If she spent all her time looking after them to
excess, she would not have studied to bless
many, many others.
Our new site is www.bdcublessings.one.net.au.
In ancient China, eighty per cent of the
population were peasants and traditionally,
together the artisans produced the surplus which
supported the dominant groups, which preserved
and perpetuated Chinese culture.
Life for the peasants was very hard and the
standard of living usually at subsistence level.
Taxes and social expenses kept families in a
state of impoverishment.
One could say that China was split in two: the
many agricultural communities and the city
dwellers made up of absentee landlords,
merchants and officials. While the peasants were
doing it hard, the urban citizens had access to
tea houses, restaurants, brothels and theatres.
However, with the development of printing and
the resultant access to education and the rise
of popular culture in the form of novels and
plays, a culture formerly restricted to the
privileged city dwellers was made available to
the masses.
This increased education had the effect of
facilitating social mobility because the
examination system allowed selected persons to
be appointed to official positions.
The development of Imperial China in ancient
times was typical of the times.
The modern age can be better for the practice of
Buddha Dhamma.
To meet with the Dhamma, it must be taught with
a language suited to individual needs.
May you find the Dhamma in this life.
May You Be Well And Happy.
Bibliography
Beckmann, George M. The Modernization of China
and Japan. A Harper International Student
reprint, jointly published by Harper & Row, New
York, Evanston & London and John Whetherhill,
Inc., Tokyo, 1965.
Bhikkhu Piyananda. Why Meditation?. Buddhist
Missionary Society Publication. Kuala Lumpur
Encyclopedia Britannica. Macropaedia, Volume 19,
Fifteenth Edition, 1987.
Guenther, Herber V. Matrix of Mystery.
Shambhala, Boulder & London, 1984.
Loon, Louis van. Family Planning and Birth
Control, Buddhist Publication Society, Sri
Lanka.
